Losers, Winners, Guilty Sinners

“Losing virginity” is a strange concept to me.  Telling, though.  I suppose it generally means having coitus for the first time.  For women, it also has nuances of that Hyman thing that some virginal women have and some virginal women don’t.  Our language regarding sex is as cumbersome and convoluted as our attitudes about it – attitudes that are constantly slapped between the simple beauty of this wonderful gift we all have, the culturally induced guilt about it we are expected to carry and the power it gives or removes from each of us in our relationships.  But, the misconceptions within the language are not the problem.  The problem is not trying to determine what the word “virginity” means, the problem is in the word “losing”.  We linguistically turn having the greatest physical pleasure it is possible to have into a loss.  A pleasure so intense that it approaches pain.  Even worse, a permanent loss because, once its gone, it’s gone.  Virginity isn’t some holy state of being and certainly not something most of us regret not having anymore.  G and I didn’t “lose our virginity” in the back seat of that ’57 Ford Fairlane 500 on the back row of a drive in movie all those years ago.  That’s where and when we became fully alive – where we were changed in very fundamental ways.  Permanently.  We gained new worlds of emotion and pleasure and states of being.  A new position in the world. And we lost nothing.  We liked it.  Still do.

I hope you are finding something here, in this blog, that is useful to you – something that helps you be a better lover. If you are new here and have not scrolled down to the beginning, please do. I believe you will see things differently if you do. And let me know what you think. Thank you, R

Love In The Time Of Corona Virus

     Today was a dancing day.  G and I are holed up here trying to get some kind of handle on the Corona virus pandemic.  I went to the grocery about a week ago and came home with enough of whatever unwanted canned vegetables were left on shelves to last a couple of weeks, plus frozen fish and shrimp, canned tuna and whatever the hell else I thought might keep us alive.  I never bought soy milk before but it doesn’t need refrigeration before opening so I got some.  Cereal.  Stuff that will keep.  I usually love to grocery shop but this wasn’t fun.  I get that same feeling walking into a grocery store now as I get walking into an airport men’s restroom.  Get in, get out, touch nothing that can be avoided.  Everything has changed.  

      Our world here in a rural southern Springtime is glorious.  Birds are singing everywhere.  The dandelions are mostly gone but the redbuds are having their moment before the Dogwoods take over.  My blue pickup truck’s hood and top are yellow/green from pollen.  Spring is my favorite time of year but there is now something out there that is ominous.  For the first time in our lives, G and I are afraid.  Lots of people are.  Maybe you are.  If so, you know its a bad feeling.  

    One thing I can tell you, though, is that the same elements of  our relationship that sustained G and me all our lives – those I wrote about in the first few installments of this blog are still giving us strength and comfort.  So many of the things we used to cherish or hate, defend or attack, laugh at or cry over have, in the face of a real danger, become meaningless but our respect for each other, our shared lifetime of memories and music and places and experiences have grown in importance and comfort to us.  This odd time has become very much a time of celebration of the life we have lived.  We fill the house with music and we dance – sometimes light and romantic and sometimes really dirty.  We laugh at private jokes.  We enjoy each other.  We depend on each other just as we always have.  

     We don’t know what will happen.  But we have the satisfaction of knowing that we had a great time.  We didn’t intentionally hurt anyone.  We did some things really well and, if all that religion stuff should turn out to be real, I think we can stand proudly in front of God and defend our lives.  In fact, I think we’re probably going to get a standing ovation.  Take care of yourselves and be kind to each other.  Now, more than ever, be lovers. 

If you get a chance, re-read the first posts to this blog. If you haven’t read them, scroll down and enjoy yourself. Thanks, Rietzel

Vive la difference?

BLOG INSTALLEMT 3:     

You need to read the first post first. It is a scroll away.

What is the purpose of sex?  What’s it all about, anyway?  The cliche answer is “to make babies” – to pass along our perfect manly genes – to propagate the species with offspring that posses each of our very special genetic sequences.  But we don’t usually have sex to make babies; we have sex because its fun and it feels good.  It binds us emotionally.  In lots of animal species, the desire for sex – the impetus for sex – its chemically limited to times when the female is fertile.  There must be some reason we humans and a few other species fuck all the time.  

Seems to me the logical answer is that a regular, lavish and prolonged exchange of body fluids is good for us.  It helps bind us together chemically and emotionally which, in turn, makes us happier which, in turn, creates a richer and more vibrant world.  All that useless-to-reproduction sex is not just some byproduct of a biological necessity.  It’s mutual creative play which binds us emotionally and it exchanges chemicals and electrical impulses with our partners, which makes us more alike at our most fundamental physical level, as well.   Its vitally important and should be a major foundation of a relationship.  It certainly is just as important as all those other cliches like race, religion, politics, academics, etc.  

It’s a pure, wholesome element in a family unit to be nurtured, protected and celebrated.  But, there’s a pardox:  Like all great gifts of the universe, sex can cause great pain if it is disrespected and abused.  It isn’t a commodity to be traded or as a negotiation tool.  It is far too fragile for that.  Being husband and wife is much, much better when you are also lovers.  I brightens and lightens everything.  It adds layers to every experience.  It weaves a beautiful, colorful thread through a shared lifetime.  

As we proceed with this blog, I will occasionally discuss elder-sex.  Now, I know that “old people fucking” may not be the kind of image you care to deal with but it is something that you will, eventually, have to deal with or quit having sex because, eventually, the bathroom mirror every morning will deal with it for you.  If you don’t die, you will get old.  But don’t worry too much about it.  It’s actually pretty damn cool.  

Beauty is more subjective than most of you younger guys can imagine and it does not necessarily have anything at all to do with smooth skin, perky tits, juicy pussies and solid steel pulsating dicks.  It goes much deeper than that.  (No pun intended.)  It becomes more complex and richer.  I can’t explain it but I want you to know it will be there for you, at 77, when you arrive.  All you have to is is want it to be there and start acting accordingly.    

Here’s something else to look forward to when you get old:  if you aren’t enjoying sex as much as you think you should, part of the problem almost certainly is simply a lack of opportunity.  Unless you are retired with plenty of time and privacy to have sex, you and your wife are certainly repressing your sexuality.  You have to.  You have too many other things to do.  There are other people around.  You have to run your lives and take care of family and all that.  You have to deal with rainy weekends, making a living, getting your oil changed, soccer games, grocery shopping and all the stuff that is necessary to function in this world.  When time is limited, repression becomes so much a part of our lives that, we are probably unaware of it.  

Ah, but when you retire and have all the time in the world and absolute privacy…oh my god…all that repression that you probably are not even aware of suddenly disappears and the real you and her will emerge in all your glory.  You will be amazed and delighted at what transpires when you can play anytime and anywhere you like.  So, don’t sweat getting old.  It’s fun!  Just try to make sure you and her get there with enough resources to allow you to retain your dignity and have some freedom to pursue your dreams.  Mind your health, too.  Age takes away a lot of things but it gives a lot of other things to replace them.  Practice being happy now and you will always know how to be happy.  

Alright….last time I said we would discuss the similarities between your body and your wife’s body.  We are taught to “vive la différence”.  The problem with viveing la difference is that all those perceived (and imagined) différences we are viveing create and reinforce some kind of ridiculous idea that men and women are so different that we can never really be sexually compatible – that, somehow, a hundred million years of evolution has produced, out of thousands of species, one species of mammal that is incapable of having sex properly.  

But the truth is that the differences that might look enormous – size, shape, placement – are mostly superficial.  We are far more alike than different and, consequently, we are capable of having remarkably similar sexual experiences.  If sex isn’t working for you like it should, it’s not because nature or some kind of god fucked it up – its because you’re doing it wrong.   

Your dick and her vagina are pretty much the same thing but turned inside-out/outside-in.  Your glans (that’s the lip-colored bulbous protuberance with the hole in it) is positioned out at the end of your dick where it can feel all that fabulous warmth, wetness and gentle friction while her clitoris, which also has a hole in it, is positioned outside and above the vagina where it can feel every glorious little twitch from above and below.  Both – your glans and her clitoris – are surrounded by very sensitive membranes protected by your foreskins.  That’s the “sweet meat”.  

I had my DNA analyzed awhile back.  Mostly British Isles nucleotides on my double-helix with significant smatterings of the conquered and the conquering hordes that has swept through Western Europe over the millennia.  I, like all of us, am a mutt.  My DNA included a small Jewish component and when I told one of my Jewish acquaintances about it, he said, “Welcome to the tribe”.  I said, “I’m happy to be part of the tribe but you can’t have my foreskin”.  I love my foreskin.  

  Circumcision is not solely a Jewish practice, of course.  It is strongly engrained in our culture although, fortunately, it seems to be falling into some disfavor. WebMD says that about 2/3 of boys born in the USA are circumcised.  

Circumcision certainly has a strong tradition in my family.  I have cousins who are circumcised.  My son-in-law and (over my objections) my grandson are circumcised.  They called it “the little boy surgery”.  The reason I always heard was “cleanliness” or “so he will be like his daddy”.  Some medical people claim circumcision slightly reduces the risk of some cancers and of STD’s and that men like it because it reduces sensitivity and, therefore, delays ejaculation.  

First of all, reducing sensitivity by permanently removing a vital, fully-functioning part of your dick is not a good thing.  It certainly isn’t the way to prevent premature ejaculation.  The foreskin protects the most sensitive membranes on your body – the area adjacent to your glans.  When you penetrate your wife, the foreskin is pushed back exposing that nerve-enriched area to the warm, wet perfection of her luscious vagina.  Sensitivity is a good thing.  Sensitivity is the point.  The more the better.  And any slight perceived advantage to reduced sensitivity in your youth will be more than lost as you grow older and sensitivity naturally declines, anyway.  As you move into your 50’, 60’s and 70’s, you’ll appreciate all the sensitivity you can get.

   As for the proposition that removing the foreskin offers some protection against STD’s…if you’re fucking somebody who might have STD’s, you need to use a condom.  Or two.  Better still, you might want to to find somebody else to fuck.   

Women also have foreskins.  Theirs’ are nestled alongside the clitoris and adjacent sweet meat so they can fold over and protect it.  There are far too many cultures and religions around the world that still circumcise girls and believe, as many of us do about boys, it is a wonderful thing to do.  We rightfully condemn the practice because it is barbaric.  Its time to stop circumcising boys for the same reason.  The foreskin is there for a good reason.  Leave the little guy’s dick alone.  It’s perfect just like it is.     

Back to our bodies – both sexes have breasts.  Ours are smaller and less interesting.  Theirs give milk when milk is needed.  Ours don’t.  I am strongly attracted to G’s and she enjoys me touching them, but neither of us seem to get much out of it when she touches mine.  Probably a cultural thing.

We have testicles and they have ovaries.  Ours are hanging in a sac outside while their’s are nestled safely inside.  Ours provide half the DNA and their provide the other half.  

We both have lumps of fatty tissue to protect the pubic bones from overenthusiastic humping.  It is called the “mons”.  Every time your mons bumps hers, it produces a nice little tug on her clitoris.  If G is really into it, I can masturbate her to orgasm just by bumping her mons with the heel of my hand.  Or my forehead.  Or knee.  Surprise her.  Surprise yourself.

I love the mons.  I believe it is a major source of those mysterious pheromones we hear so much about.  I believe that because I love to stick my face in the bush over G’s mons and breath deeply.  There’s no odor but there is definitely something else – something that makes me want to breath it deeply.  

Give it a try.  Let me know if it works for you.    

The mouth is most definitely a sex organ and yours and hers are alike.  My wife and I have always enjoyed oral sex.  We began it almost immediately after we became sexually active.  We can’t recall the first time we tried it but it was certainly soon after we began dating and we have only gotten better at it.  At our ages, penetration is not the simple thing it once was.  I don’t get as hard and she doesn’t get as wet, so penetration means I have to take hard on pills and try to get enough lubricant in the correct place without getting it all over the bed and without poking her with some kind of cold applicator before all the drama and distraction have caused my hard-on to give up – in which case we have to start over again.   And, because lubricants tend to contain some kind of edible oil, her pussy tastes and smells like a salad.  

We tried it – the pills and a variety of lubricants and it wasn’t worth the frustration.  Or the mess.  We don’t need it.  We have taken oral sex to a whole other level than it used to be and it works perfectly for us.  I love it.  Always have.  The taste, the odor, the folds of her vulva, the way the slightest touch of my lips or my tongue on her sweet meat makes her breathing change, her muscles tighten, the rhythm of her movement change.  Very powerful stuff.

I have eaten pussy for 60 years – in sickness and health, before and after coitus, during pregnancy, periods, heavy flow, light flow, PMS, pre-menopause, menopause and post-menopause, cummy and uncummy.  Through sneezes, coughs and hiccups.  I have done it chewing nicotine gum while I was quitting smoking – which didn’t go well but, you know, shit happens.  It is the most intimate thing we do and we both love intimacy. 

There is one thing I don’t like about oral sex – the preparation.  I have to shave very close every day and, at my age with this old face, shaving close  – especially the area from my nose, around my mouth and my chin – is unpleasant.  I do everything I can to make it as painless as possible.  I buy every new razor that hits the market and give it a three-blade trial.  I shave in the shower with really good glycerine soap and take my time, but it is still painful.  If I could eat pussy the way it its meant to be eaten without going through that, I would.  But I can’t.  So I shave.

For the record, neither G nor I take hormones or any other sex enhancing drugs.  I do not take hard-on pills.  Neither of us has had any cosmetic surgery other than having suspicious-looking moles removed.  We believe we are who and what we are supposed to be and that belief works for us.  We know people who are fight the effects of aging but it doesn’t seem to work very well for them.  Its a fight no one can win.  It focuses on the least important part of who we are and requires too much pretense. Its much easier to just be us and try to be the best us’s we can. 

A healthy playful sexual component to a marriage has nothing to do with youth. Nor does it have anything to do with looks, money, religion, education, cosmetic surgery, drugs or battery-powered devices.  It requires only two people who respect each other and who love to fuck each other.  That’s it.  Not complicated but that’s where you want to be: two people who like to fuck each other and who care about each other.  Nothing wrong with youth or looks or money, battery powered devices or any of those things.  If you have them, by all means enjoy them but don’t let them become necessary. 

Back to the body!  Both G and I have ass holes in the same places serving the same function.  To a lot of people, the anus is a major sex organ.  I understand that, but G and I have tried it periodically over the last 60 years – “wanna give it another shot?” kind of thing – but either of us cared that much for it.  If you and your wife both enjoy it, go for it.  If you’re gay, by all means enjoy.  Some light, non invasive, stimulation of her anus with your finger, though, might be welcome.  

Just remember that nothing you stick in her ass or yours should be inserted into her vagina until the member is clean.  

Bush or no bush?  I love the bush.  G and I tried trimming and shaving.  It was fun for a little while but we’re used to the glorious, luxurious bush and I missed it.  Our choice.  If you and your wife enjoy the bald look, get pleasure from it, excitement, shave the bush off.          

We guys have prostate glands that produce all the semen except for the actual sperm – which is produced in the testicles and accounts for a tiny amount of the volume of an ejaculation.  Women have Skene’s glands which, according to research I’ve seen,  may or may not produce a fluid that may or may not be like seminal fluid that may or may not account for the fact that some women may or may not ejaculate.  This is 2019 and we don’t seem to know simple stuff like that.  Seems to me that we should.   

So, we have pretty much the same thingies and, if you do pretty much the same things to her thingies as she does to your corresponding thingies – or vice versa – you will have pretty much the same results.  Everything centers around her clitoris and the nerve-engorged membranes around it and your glans and the nerve-engorged membranes around it.  Your most intense stimulation comes from moving your foreskin back so that it tugs on the base of the glans.  Her whole vagina is designed to do the tugging from above (when your pubic bone pushes against hers)  and below (when your dick pulls a bit of membrane in with it going in and releases it on the out-stroke).  As far and G and I can tell by paying attention and comparing, the sensations are the same and, if the stimulation is maintained will produce the same results – we orgasm.  

By the way, the fact that her sensitive thingies are connected to her clit from the top and bottom, means you can do subtle things to it with your hands.  Learn to be good with your hands.  There’s plenty of things to do other than stick your finger in it.  Or your tongue.  You can move things around nicely by bumping her mons.  Cup her entire pussy in your hand and jiggle it.  Try stuff. 

Ask her for suggestions. Let her show you how she does it, then try to duplicate what she does.  It may take years to get as good at it as she is but she can find enough pleasure in having someone else pleasure her to make up for any lack of finesse on your part.  You can always spread that sweet thing open once in awhile and give it a lick.  Or, go all the way in up to your ear lobes and enjoy pussy-boogers in the morning.    

A word about your bedroom.  The experts say you should decorate restfully with somber colors and subdued lighting. Something like a funeral parlor.  G and I have decorated our’s more along the lines of PeeWee’s Playhouse.  We collect folk art – nothing really expensive but its fun and colorful and interesting.  We support local artists because their work brightens and lightens the house and their presence brightens and lightens our community.  I suggest that you do not need to decorate to promote sleep but, instead, to create a playful space that will make you want to fuck.  The fucking will help you sleep.  If you buy art, you both must like it.  

We have never had a TV in the bedroom but we definitely do have music.  We both enjoy a wide variety of music and laying all cuddled up in a candle-lit room is a great way to hear it.  I have a sound bar laying on the floor at the head of our bed that Bluetooths off my phone so we have music every night.   

We prefer candles to artificial light.  It gives the room a wash of warmth, its heat animates the mobile floating above it and its flicker gives movement to shadows.  We don’t use scented candles but you might enjoy them.  Try a few different ones.  The object is to get the room welcome and inviting to both of you – a really fun place to fuck.  Work on it.  Details are important.  

Something that needs to be said:  I always watch the other couples around us, hoping to see some positive interaction between them.  Do they touch each other?  Make eye contact?  Do they defer to each other?  Do they smile?  Do they have actual conversations in which they both take part?  Do they seem relaxed and comfortable together?  Do they speak well of each other when apart?  If they are in a group, do they maintain their awareness of each other?  

The sexual component of a relationship isn’t limited to the bedroom because it involves a lot more than physical intimacy.  Lovers always circle around each other.  They support each other.  They have private signals developed over years and use them to communicate all the time.  They don’t advertise it.  They don’t have to.  They practice intimacy at all kinds of levels and in all kinds of subtle, private, intimate ways that are part of the rich experience that being lovers is.  Look for them. You can tell.

A disclaimer:  The next few paragraphs are going to be about the friendships that you and your wife are involved in.  Before you read them, you need to understand that I am not a “people person”.

Its always great to get unused stuff out of the garage, your closets, your book shelves, kitchen cabinets, and the top drawer of your desk.  That’s pretty easy (except for the book shelves and the desk).  The hard part of uncluttering your life is getting rid of friendships that have outlasted their usefulness.  I understand that some friendships are healthy, strong, deep and wide.  They benefit everyone involved and deserve to be nurtured and preserved.  But, some aren’t.  Maybe most aren’t.  The ones that deserve to last are the ones that help everyone involved be better, happier people.  Those friendships adapt and change as the individuals grow.  They grow with us.  Some friendships, though, just become a habit or, worse, an obligation.  Maybe they were mutually beneficial at one time but, maybe, that time is past.  

G and I moved around a lot during the first 25 years of our marriage.  At each of the places we lived, we established close friendships and, invariably, when we moved away, we all promised to keep in touch and maintain the friendship.  All but two of those friendships evaporated very quickly.  The two that survived are still important.  The others served their purpose.  

We don’t enjoy breaking a friendship.  It can be an emotional violence and a huge guilt trip.  The way we cope with all that, now, is to be very selective of those we socialize regularly with and be very objective about new relationships as they begin.  G and I discuss potential new friendships very critically, and consciously decide whether we want to pursue them or not.  Most, we don’t.  Best to get it over with early.  

And, I should point out, when you and your wife can keep your relationship strong and vibrant, you will become friends in the truest sense of the word.  When that happens, you won’t need as many other people around.  

The prospect of ending friendships is serious and requires an honest conservation between you and your wife.  You both have to agree on whatever you decide.  If that decision is to end a friendship, you have to agree on how to do it.  And you have to agree that, once it has been done, there is no going back.  Tough thing to deal with.  Tougher thing to do well.  But, its your life you are living.  You have one shot at it and, the older you get the more you will need to rid yourselves of, not just emotional baggage, but of people and things that are holding you back or wasting your precious time.  

Another observation:  When we blame others for our problems we just give away all the power to solve them.  Trouble is, the ones we blame and expect to solve the problem probably are blaming us and waiting for us to come to our senses and fix it.  The US political system is a perfect example of that.  Everything is somebody else’s fault so nothing is anyone’s responsibility and nothing gets done.  

Don’t live your life like that.  It only makes you frustrated and angry and fucks up the world.  If your marriage isn’t all you would like it to be; if the sex in your marriage is getting boring, if your job is just a job – take responsibility and do something about it.  

And, please don’t tell anyone what you’re doing.  Just do it.  Seems to me that every time we tell others we are going to do something big and wonderful, the chances of actually doing that big, wonderful thing is reduced by about 50%.  Tell five or six people about it and it will be gone.  All you have to do to become a better husband and lover is to start being a better husband and lover.  That’s how you learn.  

Another small lesson learned here in my 70’s is simply that, someday, you two are going to really need each other.  There will be illnesses, surgeries, personal losses.  You will both become increasingly fragile and vulnerable and more dependent on each other.  You will become more afraid.  One of you will have to watch the other one die and figure out how to go on from there.  The relationship you have with your wife and she has with you will determine, in large measure, how happy you and she are in your old age.  Don’t take it for granted.  If you can move through life creating a common pool of good memories, getting old can be a rich and beautiful experience.  And a hell of a lot of fun!  

And, because I’ve been discussing getting old doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about sex.  I will simply say that there are not a lot of guys my age getting laid nearly as often or nearly as well as me.   

But, there probably are more than we think.  I have a neighbor, about my age, who told me several years ago, that his father was having  his “second blessing” which required that my neighbor go over to his parents house every day and physically place his father on top of his mother…then, return in an hour to help him back into his own bed.  True story.  I live in the South.  

Sensuality:  Probably every one of us would have different lists of the things that we enjoy feeling, smelling, or tasting but it doesn’t  really matter what those things are.  All that matters is that you teach yourself to be more aware of them – to notice them occasionally, value them and give them some priority in your life.  Sex is part of that, of course, but it isn’t nearly all of it.  Sensuous people feel the world.  Smell it.  Hear it.  See it.  

There are thousands of little things you can do to help fill your days with small pleasures – little things that cost nothing and no one around you will even notice.  Comfortable clothes.  Next car, get one with a little better performance.  Feel the wind on your face.  Notice how woods sound in winter versus how they sound in summer.  Everything.  That’s all there is to it.  No big deal.  Costs nothing.  Takes very little time and, with a little persistence and practice, you will find yourself doing it all the time.  It becomes the way you live.  

  Those small private pleasures lift our spirits and broaden our world.  They make us realize that we belong here and are a part of something magnificent and astoundingly beautiful.  These moments of awareness and appreciation become like little gifts that the universe give us when we least expect them.  And, I would swear that the more I appreciate those gifts, the more I get.  

Next time you have sex, take some time to really touch your wife.  Really touch her but softly and appreciatively.  Take your time.  Feel how all the curves flow into, out of and around each other.  Feel how heavy her breasts are.  Feel how the texture of her skin changes when you excite her.  Enjoy her perfume.  Smell her pussy.  When you kiss, feel her lips and tongue and teeth.  Explore them.  Enjoy them.  Enjoy her.  

There probably was a time when you would have loved to be able to touch a woman like that.  Well, its now.  

When she touches you, pay attention.  Get into it.  Slide your dick into her slowly.  Feel the warmth, pressure, and wetness increase as you penetrate.  Feel how she reacts.  You’ll feel it in her muscle tension, her breathing, her movement.  If she likes it, you’ll know it.  Stop.  Pause, then do it again.    Then, maybe, a few minutes later, when least expected, do it again.  She’ll know that you’re playing with her and she’ll love it.  And, she will join the game.  That’s what lovers do.   

When she sucks your dick, pay attention to the details of what she is doing.  Allow yourself to respond naturally.  Close your eyes and focus on the exquisite purity of what is happening.  Learn how to receive and experience pleasure with a sense of joy and you will want to learn how to give her that same experience.  

G and I scratch each others’ backs several nights a week.  It is a nice way to practice giving, getting and enjoying pleasure.  It its culturally acceptable to moan, groan, and otherwise respond to the pleasure of having your back scratched, so get loud.  Don’t turn it into a grab-ass thing, either.  Pay attention to your fingernails.  Locate and give priority to her chronically itchy spots.  The object is to learn how to give her maximum pleasure.   

Remember when you you and your buddies were around 11 – 12 years old and could just go outside and play for hours, making up games as you went along, changing the rules, doing one thing for awhile, then doing something entirely different?  You might be the de facto leader in one game and another buddy might be the leader of the second.  Didn’t matter.  It was fun.  The world went away and time stopped.  If you and your wife can learn to play adult games with each other that way in the bedroom, you will be lovers for life.  And, the best part is that, if you learn to do that in the bedroom, you will know how to do it in all the rooms of your life all the time.  

Thanks for reading this. Let me know how its going for you.

Post #2 The power of the pause

Pure orgasms, cumorgasms and Premature Ejacula…….Oh, No!

Please scroll down and read Post #1 first. Without that one, this one isn’t going to make a lot of sense. Thanks

Let’s get into what is called “Male Multiple Orgasm” in this installment.  This is important stuff.  It is beneficial to you and your wife and it becomes even more important when you guys get older and your prostate does what prostrates do when you get older.   Its also a contradiction to what most of us have always believed to be true and it might seem strange to most of you.  Hopefully I can tell you enough about my experience with it to help get you there or, at least, enough to generate some questions and comments that may help get you there. I will also get into some random things you might like to know about this life-changing thing that so few guys know about.

First of all, “Male Multiple Orgasm” is an awkward and pretty-much meaningless term simply because men can have two related but very different kinds of orgasms – one includes an ejaculation* and the other doesn’t.   

*To be completely accurate, researchers have found that at least some women do ejaculate a small amount of fluid when they orgasm.  Like I said, we’re much more alike than we are different.  Anyway…..

Around the internet, the term “Male Multiple Orgasm” seems to cover everything from 14 year olds who can jack-off a bunch of times in one bathroom extravaganza to the Tantric experiences imbedded in Eastern Philosophy.  Almost every boy practices the former and, reportedly Sting and Woody Harrelson are two of the more famous guys who practice the latter.  Based on my personal experience, what we call “Male Multiple Orgasm” is simply having an orgasm without cuming.  I suppose they added the word “multiple” because, when you don’t cum, you can pretty much have as many as you and your wife have the the inclination and time for.  And, surprise, they seem to be remarkably similar to my wife’s orgasms.  We’ve compared hers and mine many times and we seem to share the entire sequence of physical sensations from the moment we become aware of that luscious growing warmth centered in the groin until the last “Oh, god” convulsion fades away.  Learning how to do that, though, may take a little time and, perhaps, some attitude adjustment, but it can be done. 

I’m guessing the first question you might have is, “Why the hell would I want to do that?”  Because it feels good and because, when you can do that, you can have sex for an extended time and enjoy several orgasms (just like your wife), each more intense than the one before (just like your wife), without all the mess and the inevitable loss of enthusiasm that hits you after you have cum.  Just like your wife.  You and her become completely sexually compatible. That’s why.   

Another excellent reason is that when you get old, your prostate gland is almost certainly going to get big and lazy – which means you will probably have to add a middle-of-the-night pee to your itinerary.  And, because the prostate is intimately associated with ejaculation, you probably won’t be nearly as enthusiastic about cuming as you are now.  Luckily, pure orgasms* are just as intense as cumorgasms* and you can have all you like.  We’ll get into the new terms a couple of paragraphs down.  

The fact is that, if I couldn’t have pure orgasms now (I’m 77 years old), my ability to enjoy sex for myself and be a good lover for G would be severely diminished.  

  Short and long-term, you will be a better, more understanding, more knowledgable and more confident lover and she will appreciate that.  So will you.  You will take your sexuality to a whole new level which will be nice for you and her but also for your relationship, your family, your life.  There’s more, too, but we’ll talk about later.       

Before we get into this “Male Multiple Orgasm” thing, let’s deal with the inaccurate and confusing language.  The word “orgasm” as applied to the male of the species commonly means an orgasm accompanied by ejaculation.  But that isn’t the only kind of orgasm that we “multiply orgasmic” men have.  So I will substitute the term “pure orgasm” for the one without cuming and the word “cumorgasm” for the orgasm that includes ejaculation.  Silly word, maybe, but it is accurate.  I considered “ejaculorgasm” and “orjaculation” but they didn’t seem to have the same panache as “cumorgasm” and “non-ejaculatory orgasm” sounds like something the military issues. “Pure orgasm” is the one without cuming – like your wife’s – and “cumorgasm” is the one with cuming.  Don’t worry, you don’t have to choose which one to have, you can enjoy both.   

I became pure orgasmic by accident at the age of 47.  It only took me and G 30 years to discover it, true, but we didn’t know it was there until we did it and, then, neither of us knew what the hell had happened.  I had never heard of such a thing – didn’t know it existed.  I recalled the wet dreams from when I was a kid so I must have been aware that it was possible to ejaculate without having an orgasm but, without the orgasm, it was just stuff squirting out of my little peetie.  An embarrassing warm wetness.

All G and I knew when I began having pure orgasms was that we both liked it and were quickly getting better and better at it.  I suppose every marriage has periods of intense sexual activity interspersed with plateaus.  Any time we learn to play an instrument, to paint, to do anything creative, we experience those frustrating periods when we get stuck.  Plateaus.  My theory is that the left brain needs time to accumulate more data before it can turn it over to the right brain to play with and enjoy.  The only way through that is to just keep working/playing at it with some faith in yourself.  Of course, this new way of playing opened a whole slew of new doors for G and me.  It was a really nice time of renewed enthusiasm in our marriage and we both remember it fondly.  

The legitimate research I have seen about “Male Multiple Orgasm” indicates that, perhaps, 7% of the male population can do it.  That figure, however, comes from some vague statistics of Kinsey, so it is suspect.  Researchers found that a lot of the men who can do it don’t realize that most men can’t.  They just think all guys do it.  A lot of the research subjects found out that it was unusual when lovers asked them “…what the hell just happened?”  Most discovered it by accident, like me.  

Anyway, back to my story….

It was 1989.  I was recovering from a successful surgery.  I asked my doctor if G and I could have sex and she said, “…sure but take it easy for a few days”.  That evening I was laying on my back in bed, propped up on some pillows and following the doctor’s take-it-easy advice while G pleasured me orally – which, by the way, she pursues as an art form.  She loves it.  She experiments.  She varies tempo, pressure, suction, use of tongue, lips, cheeks, teeth, throat and her magic hands to find new ways to make me respond.  She’s been doing that for a long, long time and it just keeps getting better and better.  She enjoys the absolute control and loves to take me new places.  She can do the deep throat.  I’m not shitting you, I’m the luckiest son-of-a-bitch in the world.   

Anyway, that particular night she was playing around the glans – the “head” – the equivalent of her clitoris.  The glans and the membranes just behind the glans (those protected by the foreskin) are the most sensitive parts of the male body and she was working them perfectly.  What she was not doing, though, was stroking me.  That’s what I was mostly used to but I had promised the Doc I would take it easy.  So, not being able to respond in the old familiar way, I just became passive.  I relaxed into the new way of doing things and began to enjoy the slower pace and all the new sensations, the wonderful little games G was playing with me and how we were responding to each other.  Doing things that lovers do.     

Unexpectedly, I became aware of a very familiar warmth deep in my pelvis that tells all of us that an orgasm is building.  A couple of strokes and I would have had my usual expected cumorgasm but there were no strokes so everything happened a little differently this time.  It was pretty much the same process as I was used to except that I never felt like I was going to ejaculate.  I never felt the need.  

But I definitely felt everything else – that sudden explosion of warmth that shoots up your spine like a green fire and explodes in your brain, the deep whole-body muscle contractions that last for several minutes, the curling toes, gasping breath, grunts, exhalations to the creative source of all pleasure, moans…all of it.  But I hadn’t cum.  

I lay there with my rapidly wilting dick so sensitive I could feel the air currents in the room, waiting to get my breath and for the convulsions to subside, and realized that something very different had happened.  What the hell was that? 

G didn’t know, either, but I must say she was quite proud of herself.  Luckily, we remembered how she had done it so after I had recovered, she did it again.  It was absolutely exquisite.  

I gave her a couple of orgasms – cunnilingus and masturbation – and we blew out the candle.  Naturally, we were both curious and talked about it after the lights were out.  We were in our mid-40’s and had been fucking each other frequently and enthusiastically since high school and, suddenly, something very different happened?  Curious!  

I first believed, as we are taught to do when something different happens, that maybe something was wrong with me.  But, I felt fine and our sex was better than before.  Even so, next appointment, I talked to my family doctor about it.  He had no idea what the hell I was talking about.  Obviously, he had never heard of it and didn’t know how to talk about it.  Again, curious!      

Over a period of months, I mended from the surgery and G and I became quite proficient at this delightful new thing we could do.  We tried it a lot of ways and, although I did manage to do it during coitis (dick-in-vagina) once or twice, it was mostly produced by oral stimulation.  We talked about what was happening to me and when we compared our sensations and physical reactions during orgasm, it was obvious that I was having orgasms like her orgasms.  

They were produced in the same ways, the sequence of events, the intensity, the contractions were the same, the periods of sensitivity afterwards were the same and lasted about the same length of time and, like her, I could have two or three or five in a row and each was more intense than the one before.  The secret seemed to be in not stroking my dick.  When we were both ready, my final orgasm with an ejaculation was usually accomplished during coitis and was always spectacular.  Because each pure orgasm was more intense than the one before, that final cumorgasm was unbelievable.  

A related aside about premature ejaculation and not moving a muscle:  I realize that I am talking here about intense and fairly lengthy fuck sessions and that some of you are probably concerned about getting through the first 5 minutes without cuming.  I struggled with premature ejaculation for several years.  I tried jacking-off beforehand (no pun intended), thinking about baseball (I do enjoy post-season), having stern talks with my dick, silently screaming at it to not do what it always did – all that.  Nothing worked very well, at all.  But I noticed that, if I froze just before the cumorgasm was no longer controllable and asked G to not move a muscle, either, and waited perfectly still with my dick still in her vagina until the need for cumorgasm subsided, we could then fuck all night and I would never think about cuming until we were both ready for it.  

The secret seemed to be to take the urge to cum right up to the edge of losing it before stopping.  It was a learning process for both me and G so I’m sure I lost it a few times.  If you’re having problems with premature ejaculation, you might want to talk to your wife about this “don’t-move-a-muscle” trick and give it a try.  She is aware of what your body is doing and can help.  Let her read this and ask her to help you.  Play with it.  

A couple more quick hint about premature ejaculation:  I think you will find that, as you become more aware of the things that give her pleasure and consciously try to give her those things in as many different ways as you can think of – as you shift your attention more toward her and less about yourself and begin to enjoy creating and controlling her pleasures, you might find that the urge to ejaculate diminishes.  Also, you might try distracting yourself a little by touching her breasts or something else that will add another level to her pleasure.  

A word of warning, though, if you become preoccupied with her pleasure and not enough to your own, fucking can become a little too left-brain for your dick and he will lose interest – and you don’t want that.  Its called “spectatoring”.  If it happens, just tell you wife that you are going to be really selfish for awhile.  She will know how to help you.  

And, while we’re on the subject of not moving a muscle, try this one:  Next time your wife is starting to orgasm (you can tell), just before it explodes, calmly ask her to completely relax every muscle in her body.  You do the same.  She can breath but nothing else.  It might be difficult for her because, well, you know how it is when that orgasm starts its rush.  If she doesn’t relax, gently remind her again.  And hang on.  

The few seconds of mandated relaxation will intensify her orgasm which will explode momentarily.  Try it out and let me know how it works for both of you.  Interesting that suddenly stopping at just the right moment helped me overcome premature ejaculation (no pun intended) and it helps G intensify her orgasms.  You might want to play around with it and see what else it might add to your play sessions.

OK, back to the cumorgasm:  Where were we?  Oh, yes… because each pure orgasm was more intense than the one before, that final cumorgasm was unbelievable.  It was great.  We both had this new toy to play with that fundamentally changed how we fucked.  Part of that, I’m sure, was the fact that I was now free to really indulge myself.  And to indulge G.  

For the first time, we could freely play – interspersing coitus with oral sex and masturbating each other, and both enjoy several orgasms along the way.  It introduced entirely new experiences, sequences, and tempos to enjoy and we could end the evening with a final glorious cumorgasm made even more intense by the pure orgasms that had preceded it.  We learned how to occasionally enjoy a simultaneous orgasm as the grand finale.  That was (and still is) always a special treat.  

Also, because I was having the same experience as my wife, we became more in-synch with each others rhythms.  I gained a lot of confidence.  It was a very exciting time for us.  

Another aside, here:  This was the late 80’s and our daughter had gone off to college.  My wife and I were adapting to having the house to ourselves and enjoying a burst of new energy in our sexuality.  I assume that almost every couple goes through cycles of waxing and waning intensity in their sex lives.  My impression from comments by friends and acquaintances is that we had less of that than most, but we know what it feels like.  The “empty nest” syndrome can be a very good thing.  

Sex is a universal activity that most creatures seem to take very little pleasure in.  Fucking, however, is an activity that seems to be limited to humans and a few other fortunate large-brain life-forms.  It has many elements beyond merely moving sperm and is subject to all kinds of influences.  My wife and I enjoyed sex enough, though, to avoid a lot of the negative influences that can turn play into just going through the motions.  There will be plateaus but, as you get better at sex and better at being a husband, the plateaus will get shorter and farther apart.  You will find entirely new levels to explore and enjoy.  

So, why don’t most of us guys know about pure orgasms?  Of course I have a theory.  First of all, we guys just don’t talk about sex – so we all have to pretty much start from scratch and figure everything out for ourselves.  That’s stupid and sad but, unfortunately, that is the result of the religion-mandated sexual repression that most of us carry around.  Second, for most of us, masturbation is our entire sexual experience between the onset of puberty and when we fuck a real woman.  Its quick and easy.  All we need is our dominant hand and a couple of minutes.  We can do it standing up, sitting or laying down.  We can do it with our pants on or off.  Quietly or loudly.  With a magazine or without.  

But G and, according to research, most women seem to masturbate differently.  They apply different pressures and rhythms that directly or indirectly produce movement of the clitoris, building pleasure to the point of orgasm, then backing off for a few seconds to let the intensity subside before slowly building toward orgasm again.  According to the limited studies I have seen, masturbation for a lot of women is often a prolonged, relaxed and complicated endeavor.  

We guys, though, mostly just stroke it till it cums.  We “jack-off” with “off” being the fun part and the less time it takes to get there, the better.  We learned and diligently practiced a goal-oriented sexual pattern that inevitably leads directly to premature ejaculation, frustration, embarrassment, unwanted drama in our lives and, ironically, is completely incompatible with what most women want.  That’s what we learn when we first take dick-in-hand and that’s what a lot of us do with our wives until we realize that they might need to do something differently.  Or worse, you both just kind of lose interest.  

So that’s my theory – we learn a very basic pattern that satisfies our goal and we repeat it until it becomes our definition of successful sex.  We bring that goal and basic pattern that has almost become muscle-memory into our adult bedrooms where it doesn’t work very well.  It almost guarantees premature ejaculation.  And, they make it terribly difficult to be fully-satisfying lovers for our wives.  The good news is that we guys can change our goal and patterns and find a whole new world of pleasures to give and receive.  We can slow down, broaden our focus, become a little more passive, become more playful.  

When we guys learn how to just forget about cuming until both partners are ready, we become free to explore pleasure at entirely new levels without fear of that dreaded accident happening.  Our wives become free to play the way that pleases them.  Take your time.  Learn to enjoy all of her.  She will help you do that if you ask her.    

OK back to my story.  I broached the subject of what had happened to me to a couple of guys at work who I felt reasonably comfortable talking to.  But, like my doctor, they didn’t seem to know anything about it and definitely didn’t want to talk about it.  Guys don’t talk about sex except within certain very strict guidelines involving either humor or complaining or a combination of both, frequently using the former to disguise the latter.  

So, one warm Spring day, I took a day off work and rode my motorcycle down to Duke University and spent a few hours in one of their medical libraries looking for studies on human sexuality.   

I went through issues of The Journal Of  Sexual Behavior, Journal of Sex Research, Archives of Sexual Behavior and other similar publications and found an article that described perfectly what I was experiencing.  Holy, shit!  So, now, it had a name, I knew I wasn’t the only man who could do it and I knew there was nothing wrong with me.  They called it Male Multiple Orgasm.

A synopsis of a paper by Minas B. Robbins and Gordon D. Jenson published in The Journal Of Sex Research, Vol 14 1978 – Issue 1 entitled Multiple orgasm in males, based on research at California State U., Division of Nursing, Sacramento described the research and hypothesized that men can learn to separate orgasm from ejaculation.  That’s what was happening to me!   

That Journal article lead me to a book by Dr. William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian.  The full title is “Any Man Can – The Multiple Orgasmic Technique For Every Loving Man’.  I recommend you find a copy.  I got mine where I find a lot of great cheap used books delivered to my door – AbeBooks.com.  

Keep in mind, though, that I didn’t learn how to have pure orgasms from the book.  I bought the book to find out more about what was going on.  Even so, I think the book will help you.  If nothing else, it will describe the experience so that you and your wife will sort of know where you’re going.  As I write this, they are showing several used copies for around $4.00.  The book documents Hartman and Fithian’s research at the Center For Marital and Sexual Studies in Long Beach, CA. and will give you some options for learning how to do it.  It gives some exercises and techniques that might help.  

I just lucked into discovering pure orgasms because my wife likes to play and I was in a passive frame of mind; but we’re all different and you and your wife will have to play around and find what works for you.  I can tell you that, based on my experiences, everything the Doctors wrote seems valid.  Plus, it’s an interesting read.  

  For me, the most important thing is to avoid stroking.  That is how I still do it.  If she (or I) strokes my dick, I will cum.  If she focuses her attention out around the glans and the sweet meat just behind it, I have a pure orgasm.  

The most important message of the book mentioned above is stated in the third paragraph of Chapter One,  Recordings confirmed that during one session these men (the research participants) could reach recognizable orgasm again and again – just as some women could.  In fact, unless we looked at the name of the subject, we could not tell whether a chart we studied was that of a female or male multi-orgasmic response.  There is no measurable, observable difference. 

There is no measurable, observable difference.  Think about the repercussions of that statement because that isn’t what most of us have learned on our way to adulthood.  It represents a completely new definition of not just “orgasm” but of male sexuality.  

We were self-taught that cuming is the goal and we have too often been limited by that goal.  This “no measurable, observable difference…” thing changes everything.  The factors that have limited our ability to be a fully-functioning, equal sex partner with our wives are gone.  You can fuck as long as she can.  You can stay with her until both of you have had enough.  You can know exactly what she feels when you jiggle her clit and spark that sweet sudden feeling of warmth that quickly grows into one of those magnificent deep orgasms.  All that is no longer a mystery.  You know.  

Please understand, too, that this is not just a “guy thing” – your wife will love it, too.  When G and I blundered into this wonderful new thing, I became better at giving her pleasure.  I also completely and forever forgot about premature ejaculation.  That “problem” just vanished.  This isn’t just about your pleasure – its also about her’s.  

Another factor, I believe, is a simple change in attitude.  When I learned to forget about cuming until we were both ready to get some rest, I began to really appreciate her, to take my time and explore her body, to learn where and how she liked being touched. There is a tremendous amount of excitement in being able to give pleasure well.   

I have tried to notice what happens differently when I have a pure orgasm from when I cumorgasm.  I felt, for awhile, that I must be “holding back” the ejaculation – doing something to prevent it – and then releasing it when it was time.  But it isn’t like that.  When I learned to separate them, they just became two different things that I can easily and subconsciously control.  Again, I believe it has a lot to do with whether my pleasure is concentrated on the glans area or if my wife is stroking me.  

Whatever happens, after a pure orgasm or two or even five, cuming is easy and super intense.  It’s like a spring gets wound up tighter and tighter and when you release it, it is more and more powerful.  Sometimes, after one of those super intense cumorgasms, my dick is so sensitive that I can feel the air currents in the room moving.  Then, occasionally, comes the wonderful afterglow when the skin over my whole body seems to have an almost-visible glow and radiate warmth.  Doesn’t happen often for me but, when it does, it is like a perfect gift.  My impression is that afterglow has historically been thought of as something only women experienced.  Not so.   

A word here about cum.  It has an acrid, strong metallic taste.  Before I learned the “don’t move a muscle” trick, I often had two or three cumorgasms before G was finished and invariably found myself face-down-and-up-to-my-ears lobes in her sweet, earthy-tasting pussy giving her orgasms.  Her pussy has a wonderful taste and odor developed over hundreds of thousands of years of evolution specifically to attract me.  And it does it job perfectly.  I love it.  However, after I’ve cum in it, that wonderful woman taste and odor gets mixed with my jizm – which was developed over hundreds of thousands of years merely to provide a safe chemical environment for my sperm long enough for one of them to reach an egg.  It tastes terrible.  Don’t expect your wife to enjoy swallowing that stuff.  

The point being, you don’t have to deal with loose jizm anymore.  You just wait to unload it until you are both ready for some shut-eye, leave it deep inside that perfectly warm, wet, luxurious vagina where it belongs and get some sleep.  And, you will enjoy your jizim-free pussy-boogers* in the morning.    

  * Pussy-boogers” are what forms in your nose after an excursion into the most intimate things you can do with a woman…if you do it right.  When you blow your nose the next day, you will notice a hint of her there.  A sweet little “oh, nice” moment – a secret reminder. 

Ok, enough about that for now.  Let’s move on to other things.

A word about the word “love”.  It has been trivialized into meaninglessness and I don’t use it much.  I especially don’t use the term “love-making” to mean sex because sex doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with love (and vice-versa) and to make them synonymous is confusing.  It lends a note of emotional legitimacy to something that may not deserve it and it isn’t serving us well.  I do like the word, “lover”, however.  To me, it describes a sexual partner who has learned the subtleties of giving pleasure, who appreciates the beauty and grace of good sex and who enjoys giving pleasure as much as they enjoy receiving it.  

Also I don’t use “cunt”.  It is used as a derogatory term and, besides, its more an impolite grunt than a word.  Most of the related words and terms that were sprinkled throughout pubescent male conversation will also go unused.  “Pussy” works.  It describes the whole perfect thing from the big ol’ bush outside to the sweet meat and clitoris to the warm, wet, luscious vagina.  It also contains a bare hint of the good kind of nastiness and its universally understood.    

A quick suggestion for maintaining a healthy long-term, stable relationship:  If you subscribe to or bring copies of “mens’ magazines” into the house, stop it.  If you “oooh” and “aww” over movie stars or musicians or whomever else they give you to “ooh” and “aww” over, its a put-down to your wife.  Even if she doesn’t say anything, its a put-down.  And, its unfair and it ain’t helping you get laid.  You don’t need that shit.  You’re supposed to be supporting each other.   

Similarly, if your wife is drooling around after some singer with a great butt, I know you don’t like it and you should tell her so.  Y’all need to stop all the bullshit games and appreciate what is real and right in front of you.  You can’t fuck a magazine and you can’t fuck your wife properly if she thinks you would prefer that she were somebody else.  And vice versa.

A word about play apparel:  When G and I were first married, we picked out stuff from the naughty catalogs to play with.  Usually see-through with lace.  A pink one is laying on the bed in a couple of those old Polaroids we took so long ago.  I remember it well.  But, those are expensive, usually really uncomfortable for her to sleep in and soon wind up in a drawer.  Here’s a suggestion that’s better – go to the mens underwear rack at your favorite store and buy a package of six tank-tops.  Get a variety of colors and a size that will be a little loose on her.  Now, get a pair of pinking shears – the ones with the rounded tips.  There might already be a pair around the house.  You with me, so far?  Tank-tops and pinking shears.  

OK, next time you have a little time and are in the mood for playing, you lay on your back with your head slightly elevated (so you can see and easily reach everything).  She puts on one of the the tank tops, sits astraddle of you and slides her warm, wet pussy down over your lucky dick and settles in.  She’s in charge of the fucking.  She sets the rhythm, pressure, angle, frequency, all of it, to please herself.  Your job is to take those pinking shears and very carefully and slowly demolish the tank top while it is still on her.  Be creative.  Open up the cleavage so you can get your hands in there.  Let a nipple peek through.  Remove the whole bottom just below her breasts.  Play!  Its cheap and I think you’ll both enjoy it a lot.

There are variations, too.  She can be in charge of the pinking shears and make the cuts where you ask her to or you can wear the tank-top and let her cut it to ribbons.    

Stating the obvious – when G and I were young and working and raising a family, there are severe limitations on the time and opportunity we had for sex, and I understand that you sometimes have to hurry, you have to put things off, you have to make do.  I just want to remind you that it won’t always be like that.  

The kids will go off and find their own lives, the house will get emptier and hopefully you will have adapted your hobbies, your friendships, your lifestyle to those changes.  You will have a lot more time and more time means freedom, joy and, best of all, opportunity.  We all have times we pretty much have to just put our heads down and plow through.  But don’t go thinking it will always be like that.  If you can keep your sexuality strong during those plowing times, you will be in a prefect position to really enjoy what follows. 

I’ve heard all kinds of shit about being compatible – intellectually, academically, racially, culturally, religiously, economically.  It seems to be important to all the experts but I can’t see that it is working especially well for most of us.  Look around.  Maybe, look in the mirror.  I think liking to fuck each other is at least as strong a basis for a lifetime relationship as all that other shit.  Generally speaking, everybody likes to fuck.  Or, at least they do unless or until something happens to screw that up.  You can fuck when you’re upset with each other.  It’ll be a little different but it will be good.  

If there are issues standing in the way of good sex in your relationship,  just wait until you are both really horny – when you sense an eagerness, a hunger in her – and you return that eagerness.  Those times are powerful.  Tell her how she affects you.  Tell her about the things you really love to touch and taste and smell and feel.  Just be truthful and real; don’t make up some shit you think she wants to hear.  Encourage her to use you to pleasure herself.  Allow her to be selfish.  Have fun.  

Tell her how much you love to fuck her.  Maybe she doesn’t know that.   

And finally,  couple of general observations from an old guy:  If somebody tells you that something is “human nature”, they are trying to justify something that cannot be justified in a civil society and, if someone tells you that something is “common sense”, it is a personal opinion based on little evidence.  

Next time, we’ll compare the male and female bodies, talk some about de-cluttering your life and get into some other stuff.    

For now I leave you with the sweet smell of pussy-boogers in your nose and a whole new facet of your sexuality to explore.  So go brush your teeth, shave close, wash your hands.  Then, slide your hand inside her blouse and tell her you want to fuck her.  Go play.

Lets Get Started

A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I were down in south Georgia having the time-honored free motel breakfast – toasted bagel with cream cheese, yogurt, a banana, decent coffee – and planning the best route home from the short road-trip we were on to visit friends in Florida when a youngish couple at the next table – the only other people in the breakfast area – started a conversation.  Couples our age in the South are automatically designated “cute as a button”.  It takes a bit of getting used to.  Because we are old and cute as a button and were actually enjoying talking to each other, they asked how long we had been married.  “56 years…we were high school sweethearts”.  That’s our standard answer and, as is pretty common, the next question was, “Any advice for us?”  

I always hesitate with that one because my wife and I know that one of the most important things we have ever done for our marriage has been to value and preserve the sexual component – to nurture it, protect it, cherish it.  It has helped us survive things that have shattered other marriages.  It has kept our lives, individually and collectively, fresh and interesting.  It has added another level of experience to all the places we have been and all the things we have done.  It has kept us enthusiastic about each other and ourselves.  We believe it it has helped keep us physically and emotionally healthy from when it began in the back seat of my parents’ ’57 Ford parked in a drive-in movie on a warm fall evening in 1958 until now.  

Even though we would all be much happier if we talked about sex openly and honestly, I hesitated because discussing sex with strangers, even in very general terms, can seem trivial/jokey/boastful/poor taste/disgusting or all of them.  That’s especially true when you’re old and are not expected to be discussing sex, and certainly not in the present tense.  Even so, they asked so I told them to value their sexuality, to protect it, to get better at it – to become life-long lovers in the best sense of that word.  That’s information everyone needs to know.  

They seemed to brighten at that so I threw in a few more gems of wisdom – I told them to always support each other with words and actions and never trivialize the relationship.  I told them to never say hurtful things to or about each other, even in a joking way.  I told them that a strong, healthy relationship will always be a comfort to them – a source of pride – especially as they get older.  And I told them to never, ever forget how to play with each other.  

Their response was interesting.  They were delighted to hear something positive and hopeful.  They visibly moved closer together and their eye contact with each other increased as we sat there talking.  They hugged us when we got up to leave and the woman said, “You guys should hold a seminar or something”.  Since we’re retired and have no interest in another job that requires schedules, being polite to people we don’t like, getting dressed up, dealing with those damned hotel duvets, and having actual responsibilities, we decided a blog would be the better choice.  

The fact that I am not a professional writer means you might have to work a little as reader but, as long as I have something to say that you can actually use, we can get past that.  This may be wordy and unstructured here at the beginning but, hopefully, your responses will quickly turn all this into a simple, useful dialog.  If it works, we can all help each other figure out how to be happier people.  

If you are involved in a stable, long-term relationship and are looking around the internet for some useful information about how to keep that relationship interesting and fun, maybe I can help.  Because I believe that healthy, creative and joyful sex should be one of the cornerstones of that relationship, I will tend to focus on that.  The goal is to help you and your wife become lovers in the best sense of that word – generous, loving, fun, and accomplished lovers.  Give me a few minutes of your time.  It will cost you nothing and might be what you are searching for.  The next few pages should give you a good idea of what this is going to be about and whether it will be worth your time or not.   

  We’re going to talk about some things you know already about and some you probably don’t. We’ll get into things like premature ejaculation, sex during PMS, oral sex, how you can expect the aging process to impact your sexuality.  Also birth control, intimacy, orgasms without ejaculating, orgasms with ejaculating, sleep-fucking, being romantic, the importance of attitude, how your sex organs and hers are almost identical and what that means.  We’ll talk about the pleasure loop, sensuality, adapting your sexually to the different phases of your life, pussy-boogers, fuck-sneezes, fuck hiccups, place and setting, integrating your sexuality into every aspect of your life together, the positive mental and physical health effects of a regular and lavish exchange of body fluids, the fact that one of the perks of retirement is that you and she are going to have the house to yourselves all the time and can, finally, fuck like monkeys – and about other important things like being a good spouse and parent and a good person.  

If you have browsed the internet using the word “sex” in your search, you know what’s mostly here – the same tired worn-out old failed cliches, boundless cynicism and astoundingly low expectations.  Most of it seems to be aimed at glorifying those pathetic guys who have to scrounge around for condom-sex with women they don’t know and probably don’t want to know – sex-as-conquest, sex-as-ego, sex-as-anything but the creative, fun thing that it can be and should be.  If you do it right.  

I’m 77 years old and I’ve worked around a lot of those guys. I was a rock and roll disc jockey at a pretty big-deal radio station back in the 60’s and early 70’s.  My wife and I met the Beatles and Hendrix, the Beach Boys, the Monkees, Buffalo Springfield – all the big rock and roll bands.  Of course, I worked with a lot of younger guys who were perpetually trying to scrounge up a piece of ass.  They would come in to the station on Monday mornings with all kinds of stories about the girl/woman they fucked or almost fucked on Saturday night.  But the stories were always empty of any caring, generosity, sensuality, ecstasy, dignity, honor, honesty, humor, or joy.  Worse, there was very little real physical pleasure from the sex – they were pretty much just using a pussy instead of their hand for jerking off.  The pleasure was in winning the game.  

It was pathetic because I knew, without question, that I – the older “married guy”, was getting a lot more and a lot better pussy than they were.  And I didn’t have to wear a condom or pretend to be somebody I’m not.  And, I didn’t leave a trail of damaged women and abandoned children behind me like so many of them have.  

I just want you to know that this blog isn’t about going out and screwing lots of women because that shit’s not working for anybody – not for the guys, the women they have their brief becondomed excursions into what passes for sex with, for the children they rapidly tire of, or for the society that has to clean up their messes.  If that’s what you’re looking for, my only advice is, it ain’t here.   

The truth is that a lot – maybe even most – of those guys I worked with back in the 60’s and 70’s have wound up bitter old men who sit around dreary houses letting slick TV pundits, preachers and politicians give them all kinds of people and institutions to blame their fucked-up little lives on.  Of course, it was always “the bitch’s fault” anyway.   

I watched a Netflix comedy special a few evenings ago.  Standup.  A family man telling funny stories about his marriage –  about how he and his wife don’t communicate, how the kids drive him nuts, how he ain’t getting any pussy because he can’t possibly understand the subtleties of men/women coexistence or how to get some power in the marriage and win the mind games.  It was funny on the surface but, on another level, it was depressing as hell.  It basically amounted to “how many flowers do I have to give her before she’ll let me fuck her?”  

And, it seems to me that, if he really wants to get laid, he could at least shave.  That might help.  You may say, “Well, hell, it was just comedy and beards are in fashion right now”.  But it isn’t just comedy – it is the culture reinforcing itself and lowering your expectations.   And, unfortunately for fashion, you can’t eat pussy with that bristly shit on your face.  Not if you do it right.  If you try, she’s going to climb the headboard backwards.  Besides, cynicism is usually cheap humor disguised as sophistication.  

We are constantly bombarded with negative or, at the very least, trivialized images of our sexuality and, of course, the institution of marriage.  Those images pour out of every digital orifice on earth.  We have to stay aware of the barrage of low expectations and we have to argue with it in our own minds.  If we don’t it will suck the life out of us.  End of sermon.  

Another subject:  In case you’re worrying, this blog isn’t about religion and it will suggest no sexual activities that the average American couple would be uncomfortable with.  If you made it through the paragraph before this one – the one with that touches on eating pussy – you’re going to be comfortable here.  

Also, I write this as a legally married straight man so that is the language I will use.  I will write it for men but, if you are not a man or not married or not straight, I don’t think it will make any difference in the usefulness of anything I have to say here.  We are all much more alike than we are different.  If the words I use don’t fit your legal or gender situation, feel free to substitute whatever works for you.  The important thing is the committed, long-term relationship.  Without that, you’re always starting back at the beginning which is, ironically, the most awkward and least rewarding part.

I have found these elder years to be my time of recalling and re-evaluating my life – a time of dealing with undelt-with shit, a time of emotional cleansing.  Without the long-time-committed relationship, you are likely to find yourself spending what are some of the most important years of your life with a second or third wife who wasn’t there when you were young and strong, who doesn’t share those early dreams and who might even be resentful of them.  

When G and I were sexually-active teenagers, I used to lay alone in my bed at night listening to the big 50,000 watt clear-channel radio stations – Cousin Brucie playing rock-and-roll on WABC, New York or  John R playing deep blues on WLAC, Nashville or  real jazz on WWL, New Orleans and dreaming of having her alone in a bed with plenty of time to explore and enjoy her body, her smile, her sense of humor, her fragrance, her intense sexuality.  I dreamed of having her around me all the time, to watch her live, to just be with her.  Well, those teenage dreams have all come true.  They come true every night.  I never take that for granted.  That is one of the most beautiful gifts of the long-time-committed relationship.  

The long-term stable relationship has worked extremely well for me so I am a believer.  Besides, if it weren’t for her presence in my life, I would probably be somebody I didn’t like…and who definitely wasn’t getting laid by a beautiful woman who really knows how to do that.  

When my wife (call her “G”) and I married in 1963, there was no useful information around about how to have good sex – and I needed some because, even though I was a hunk’a-hunk’a burning love in the back seat of a car for a few hours two or three nights a week through high school and college, having access to that wonderful creature every single night and all day Saturdays, Sundays and holidays was a whole different thing.  I had the all-too-common struggle with premature ejaculation – something which, apparently, worried me more than it worried G – and, although our sex was wonderful, I wasn’t all that confident that I knew what I was doing.  But it was more than that.  I just felt that, overall, I was not as good in bed as I should be.  Or could be.  And wanted to be.  For her and for me.  

There was so much I didn’t know.  I didn’t know there was any other way to approach sex than to stick it in and keep it moving but not enough to make me cum before she had her orgasm.  Not very sophisticated but it was all I knew.  We all pretty much have to start from scratch or, even worse, have to start with the accumulated adolescent attitudes, limited expectations and gross misinformation that we mostly pick up from the street.  B and I did coitus, oral sex, and manual stimulation – all the usual stuff.   We tried anal but didn’t especially care for it.  Our sex was very very good but I began to notice that I was getting repetitious and predictable and I had no idea what to do about it.     

It wasn’t until 1969 that “The Sensuous Woman” by Joan Garrity was published.  G bought a copy and suggested that I read it too.  I did and it helped me understand the female side of this sex thing a little better.  Gave me a different perspective.  A couple of years later, “The Sensuous Man” (same author) was published and it helped me to stop focusing so much on cuming and more on sensuality.  That was refreshingly positive and it helped, too.  Most of what I read, though, was trivial, cliche and useless.  It all said pretty much the same things and seemed to be preparing me to accept the inevitable end of the honeymoon.  

When I became what is known as “multiply-orgasmic” (a really disappointing term for the ability to have orgasms without ejaculating), I knew it was important but I had never heard or read anything that described what was happening with me, none of the guys I knew well enough to mention it to had ever heard of such a thing.  G and I had just lucked into finding out how to do it (“fortuitously” is the correct word but “lucked into” is how I feel about it) without even really knowing what “it” was.  I even wondered if something was wrong with me.  Most of us guys are not aware we can have orgasms without cuming. 

I needed to find out what the hell was going on.  I read a lot of modern self-help material on sex and familiarized myself with the works of Freud, Kinsey, Masters and Johnson, Hite, and Janus and Janus.  Interesting reading but I didn’t find much there that was of any practical use to me.  It seems to me that the researchers made too many assumptions based on questionable old research and didn’t know how to ask the right questions.  

I also read a few of the old mass-market books that were published in the first half of the 20th century.  Fascinating reading.  There were several of them published as part of the flurry of academic and popular interest in psychology that arose in the wake of Freud and Kinsey.  These books were generally written by Doctors and marketed to young married couples.  G and I found two of them hidden away and long forgotten in the closets of deceased relatives while helping cousins clean out their houses.  What these jewels taught me, above all else, is where so much of the misinformation that still surrounds sex came from.  A lot of that genre, especially that written by men (as most of it was) reflects the merger science and the cultural norms for the time and is incredibly sexist, racist and homophobic.      

The first warm spell of Spring following my becoming multiply orgasmic, I rode my motorcycle over to the Duke Medical School to rummaged through their medical librarys for a couple of days.  Luckily, I discovered some Journal articles that described, almost exactly, what I was experiencing.  Through those papers, I got some researchers’ names, and found one modern book on the subject that I will recommend to you.  It is entitled “Any Man Can – The Multiple Orgasmic Technique For Every Loving Man” by Hartman and Fithian.  As I write this, there are a few used copies available from ABEBooks.com for under $15.00. 

I bought the book after I had already become “multiply orgasmic” so I didn’t actually use it to learn how and, therefore, can’t say how effective it will be as a teaching tool for you.  All I can say is that what the book describes is what I experience, although how G and I got there is  quite different from their techniques. If you decide to buy it, let me know how it goes.  I will, of course, have some suggestions of my own.  

Mostly, the book told me that my new-found ability was perfectly normal – uncommon but not rare – and it was teachable.  Meanwhile, G and I were getting very good at producing them.  Lots of them.  Like so many aspects of human sexuality, the more we do it the better we become.  Part of that is because your partner get better at what she does but part of it is that you get better at recognizing the onset of the orgasm and controlling the inner physical and emotional processes you are experiencing as the orgasms begin and build to the final explosion.  Even so, like ejaculatory orgasms, there is a point at which there is no turning back and you let go for that glorious, gasping ride.  You just don’t cum.     

The ability to have several orgasms – but delaying ejaculation until you and your wife are both ready for the evening’s grand finale – impacts every aspect of your sexual relationship, especially as you age.  It really changes everything for the better for both of you  It makes you and her completely sexually compatible.  You’re going to like it.  And so will she.  I promise. We’ll get into all this soon.  

I believe people involved in healthy relationships, including a lot of really good sex, will be happier people.  They will be better people, husbands, wives, citizens.  The will be physically and emotionally healthier.  A word of warning, though – there are a lot of folks out there who believe that only stupid people are happy.  They believe that anyone who is happy is either not awake enough or smart enough to see and understand the misery and pain in this world – that the happy idiots (like me) are blithely unaware of the evil and danger surrounding us.  I, on the other hand, believe that focusing on the misery, evil and danger only makes us afraid, selfish and defensive and just creates more and more and more of it.  

My only credentials for writing this blog is that I am an old guy who has managed to have a lifetime of extraordinary sex with a woman who enjoys it as much as I do.  Maybe more.  She’s amazing.  I can tell you some of the things we learned along the way.  I can tell you about how we have managed to keep everything fresh and new for 60 years.  And about how we managed to successfully navigate a lifetime together and arrive at old-age proud of that life, still enjoying each others’ company and happy to still be living it.  Its pretty simple, really, we liked to fuck 60 years ago and we still do.  Nothing surprising about that.  I am still a man and she is still a woman.  It was fun then and it still is.  You can call me “R”.    

Another subject:  Most movie sex has no real spark to it.  It’s left brain stuff but, occasionally, there is a movie scene of young lovers having the kind of sex only young lovers can have – the kind G and I remember so well and so fondly.  When we see one of those scenes, we always comment about how much fun that was.  But, in all honesty, our sex is every bit as good and mysterious and playful and enthusiastic now as it was then.  Its just different.  It’s supposed to be different.  Nothing that we are aware of in this entire infinite universe, from the universe, itself, to the smallest sub-atomic particle is like any other universe or sub-atomic particle or even like itself from one brief moment to the next.  Change is a good thing.   

The things that we had to leave behind as we have aged have been amply replaced with a level of intimacy that is indescribably beautiful.  We swim around in it.  We are lovers in the best sense of the word because her pleasure is my pleasure and mine is hers. We become one thing.  One glorious intensely sexual thing with all the time in the world and the house to ourselves .  

The journey from being those young lovers to now has taken us through a whole lifetime of constantly adapting to the changes that living requires of everyone.  That’s part of the fun.  We have enjoyed every age we have ever been.  We have adapted the ways we expressed our sexuality to all of those ages.  This one is no different.    

Do you enjoy the age you are?  If you do, you will probably know how to enjoy the next one.  And the next and the next.  If not, you may be getting stuck somewhere or sometime that you don’t belong anymore.  You gotta watch out for that.  

Another subject:  This is a pet peeve of mine and deserves a rant:  Do you and your wife bicker a lot and say nasty things about each other in public and then chuckle like its some kind of innocent little joke when everybody knows its not a joke at all and, even worse, that little chuckle requires that I chuckle along, too, which means I have become complicit in the nastiness.  Stop it.  Its cheap, easy, cliche bullshit.  Predictable.  Incredibly boring in a crude-rude kind of way.  It ain’t funny and it’s embarrassing to those of us who have to listen to that shit all the goddamn time.  Its not helping anything and, frankly, we’re getting tried of hearing it.  

Don’t do that to yourselves.  Or to us.  And, for god’s sake, don’t do it to your children.  If you don’t have children, please don’t neglect your birth control.  

Creative fucking:  I think there is ample evidence that your dick is connected directly to the right side of your brain.  Sex is a right-brain activity – dreamy, soft-focused, altered sense of time, lightness and, above all, playful.  This makes altered states of mind possible – things like ecstasy, intimacy, and what I call “the pleasure loop”.  A word of warning, though – fucking is like backing a trailer or using chopsticks – its best not to think about it too much while you’re doing it.  Getting overly aware of the process instead of the pleasure can cause “spectatoring” – your dick loses contact with the right side of your brain and refuses to play anymore.  If  that happens, just relax and enjoy the ride.  

“Pleasure loop” is a made-up term to describe the fact that giving her pleasure intensifies your own pleasure which intensifies her pleasure which further intensifies yours which…etc.  Its a feedback loop.  With practice, you can both reach a state in which you seem to read each others minds and your pleasure and hers are this one extraordinary thing.  

The more playful sex is, the better it is.  But I don’t mean the kind when you compete – when there is a winner and a loser.  How you and your wife play, sexually, should be no different from how you played with your friends when you were a child except that you now have a mature sexually-active woman as your buddy and you are both equipped, physically and emotionally, to just let go and fuck for fun.  

There are no rules that say, “do this, then do that, then do another thing”.  That’s left-brain shit.  That’s not how kids play.  They make it up as they go, they include what is happening around them, they laugh, they act out characters, they get dirty, they don’t have any agenda.  It ain’t rocket science – they just play.  “Oh”, you say, “it’s not that simple”. 

To which I cleverly reply,  “Sure it is”.  You might have to unlearn a bunch of grown-up shit and get rid of some grown-up baggage first, but you can do that.  

Please try to remember as we get deeper into this blog, I will describe things that happen to G and me as if they can happen to you and your wife.  But I also realize that we are all bring our own attitudes, personalities and experiences into those moments and make them our own.  This is not a text-book on becoming a lover.  It is a story that you and she can adapt to your relationship.  What happens to me in these situations may not happen to you but I believe that if you live your goal of being a really good lover, you will discover your own rewards along the way.  Sometimes they are real surprises. 

For example….ever hear anyone say that sex during PMS can be fabulous?  Probably not.  It sounds like the beginning of a joke that is going to end badly for some poor guy.  But it isn’t.  I have some experience with that.  G went through a period of intense PMS when we were in our early 40’s.  Big time.  Me and the dog quickly adapted the same survival strategy – stay the hell out of her way and try not to make eye contact until it was over.  Obviously, if I couldn’t make eye contact with her, there was not a chance in hell that I could fuck her.  At least that’s how it was until we discovered that PMS sex was the some of the most intense sex we ever had. 

Of course, I would never suggest you make a move on your wife when she is PMS’d-off at the world.  You could be badly injured.  You have to wait a day or two until you and she have finished your sex for the evening and are laying there in the candlelight chatting.  That’s when you tell her about this PMS sex thing you read about .  Ask her to commit to having sex next time she has PMS.  As the time approaches, remind each other what’s going to happen.  Have fun with it.  Do a countdown.  Enjoy it.  

But you need to be ready because, when it happens, it happens hard, long and strong.  All that PMS tension is going to explode – not as anger and frustration but, rather, as fast and furious fucking.  If she is orgasmic, she’ll pop them off, one right after the other.  It’s a wild ride.  You’re both going to love it and look forward to it every month, right on schedule.  

But there is another little perk involved.  When her pussy grabs your dick and yanks it in (that’s what it can feel like), you might notice, for the first time, a sphincter muscle two or three inches inside her vagina.  You’ll feel it – it will be tight around your dick.  (Nice little bonus for you.)  But, as she has orgasms, that little sphincter muscle will begin to relax – to get looser and looser with each one until it disappears.  And, with it, so will her PMS.   

At least, that’s what G and I found to be true.  I’d like to know your experience with PMS sex. I suspect that these kinds of things happen to a lot of people but are never talked about.  We should talk about the good stuff.   

Another thing I’d like to know is whether you and your wife sleep-fuck.  (Another made-up term)  G and I used to regularly wake in the middle of the night all hard, wet, sweaty, tangled up in the bed covers, pawing at each other and overwhelmingly horny.  We would both wake up just before penetration and, after a few powerful thrusts, accompanied by much groaning and gasping for breath, we would have simultaneous orgasms, roll over and immediately go back to sleep.  I don’t know how or why it happened (there were no dreams involved) so I don’ have any secrets to share that might help you enjoy an occasional sleep-fuck but, again, I think it would be useful information.  Let me know.  

One more thing and I’ll quit for this installment.  I suggest that you assume complete responsibility for birth control in your marriage.  If you expect her to do it, she is either going to have to endure a fairly serious surgery or she is going to be taking hormones until menopause  – hormones which can contribute to all kinds of very serious cardio-vascular problems.  If you take the responsibility, though, you can provide complete, 100% protection with a simple, painless, reversible procedure in your doctors office.  He or she makes a very small incision, under local anesthesia, and performs a minor procedure to the vas deferens that blocks or diverts your semen away from mixing with your ejaculate.  I got mine around 1968 and its probably even easier, now.   

Best thing I ever did.  It causes absolutely no noticeable change in what you do in bed or on how what you do feels.  None.  And it allows your wife to be a natural woman – to enjoy her sexuality completely.  And for you to enjoy it, too.  She gets to have her regular periods and you get to have them with her.  It creates a freer, more spontaneous sexuality.  A little funkier.  I rode my bicycle the day after my vasectomy.  

In case you are wondering, neither G nor I have had any plastic surgery, hair transplants, or botox injections.  We do not elevate our hormone levels and I do not take hard-on pills.  We enjoy being old and we use and appreciate what we have.  The only dirty pictures we look at are some we made of ourselves with a borrowed Polaroid camera back around 1967 or ’68.  We enjoy those.  

And some closing random observations:  When someone tells you something is “common sense” they are making shit up to suit their beliefs.  When someone says, “It’s human nature” they are trying to justify something that is not justifiable in a civil society.  And never forget the world is full of those who believe cynicism, anger and bitterness are signs of intelligence and the only safe place to live is in darkness.  Feel sorry for them but be careful of them.  

Now, go spend some quality time your wife.  Approach her as a lover or, even better, as someone who would like to be her lover.  Take your time.  Be generous.  Appreciate her and the beautiful thing you can do together.  Play!  Have fun!