Vive la difference?

BLOG INSTALLEMT 3:     

You need to read the first post first. It is a scroll away.

What is the purpose of sex?  What’s it all about, anyway?  The cliche answer is “to make babies” – to pass along our perfect manly genes – to propagate the species with offspring that posses each of our very special genetic sequences.  But we don’t usually have sex to make babies; we have sex because its fun and it feels good.  It binds us emotionally.  In lots of animal species, the desire for sex – the impetus for sex – its chemically limited to times when the female is fertile.  There must be some reason we humans and a few other species fuck all the time.  

Seems to me the logical answer is that a regular, lavish and prolonged exchange of body fluids is good for us.  It helps bind us together chemically and emotionally which, in turn, makes us happier which, in turn, creates a richer and more vibrant world.  All that useless-to-reproduction sex is not just some byproduct of a biological necessity.  It’s mutual creative play which binds us emotionally and it exchanges chemicals and electrical impulses with our partners, which makes us more alike at our most fundamental physical level, as well.   Its vitally important and should be a major foundation of a relationship.  It certainly is just as important as all those other cliches like race, religion, politics, academics, etc.  

It’s a pure, wholesome element in a family unit to be nurtured, protected and celebrated.  But, there’s a pardox:  Like all great gifts of the universe, sex can cause great pain if it is disrespected and abused.  It isn’t a commodity to be traded or as a negotiation tool.  It is far too fragile for that.  Being husband and wife is much, much better when you are also lovers.  I brightens and lightens everything.  It adds layers to every experience.  It weaves a beautiful, colorful thread through a shared lifetime.  

As we proceed with this blog, I will occasionally discuss elder-sex.  Now, I know that “old people fucking” may not be the kind of image you care to deal with but it is something that you will, eventually, have to deal with or quit having sex because, eventually, the bathroom mirror every morning will deal with it for you.  If you don’t die, you will get old.  But don’t worry too much about it.  It’s actually pretty damn cool.  

Beauty is more subjective than most of you younger guys can imagine and it does not necessarily have anything at all to do with smooth skin, perky tits, juicy pussies and solid steel pulsating dicks.  It goes much deeper than that.  (No pun intended.)  It becomes more complex and richer.  I can’t explain it but I want you to know it will be there for you, at 77, when you arrive.  All you have to is is want it to be there and start acting accordingly.    

Here’s something else to look forward to when you get old:  if you aren’t enjoying sex as much as you think you should, part of the problem almost certainly is simply a lack of opportunity.  Unless you are retired with plenty of time and privacy to have sex, you and your wife are certainly repressing your sexuality.  You have to.  You have too many other things to do.  There are other people around.  You have to run your lives and take care of family and all that.  You have to deal with rainy weekends, making a living, getting your oil changed, soccer games, grocery shopping and all the stuff that is necessary to function in this world.  When time is limited, repression becomes so much a part of our lives that, we are probably unaware of it.  

Ah, but when you retire and have all the time in the world and absolute privacy…oh my god…all that repression that you probably are not even aware of suddenly disappears and the real you and her will emerge in all your glory.  You will be amazed and delighted at what transpires when you can play anytime and anywhere you like.  So, don’t sweat getting old.  It’s fun!  Just try to make sure you and her get there with enough resources to allow you to retain your dignity and have some freedom to pursue your dreams.  Mind your health, too.  Age takes away a lot of things but it gives a lot of other things to replace them.  Practice being happy now and you will always know how to be happy.  

Alright….last time I said we would discuss the similarities between your body and your wife’s body.  We are taught to “vive la différence”.  The problem with viveing la difference is that all those perceived (and imagined) différences we are viveing create and reinforce some kind of ridiculous idea that men and women are so different that we can never really be sexually compatible – that, somehow, a hundred million years of evolution has produced, out of thousands of species, one species of mammal that is incapable of having sex properly.  

But the truth is that the differences that might look enormous – size, shape, placement – are mostly superficial.  We are far more alike than different and, consequently, we are capable of having remarkably similar sexual experiences.  If sex isn’t working for you like it should, it’s not because nature or some kind of god fucked it up – its because you’re doing it wrong.   

Your dick and her vagina are pretty much the same thing but turned inside-out/outside-in.  Your glans (that’s the lip-colored bulbous protuberance with the hole in it) is positioned out at the end of your dick where it can feel all that fabulous warmth, wetness and gentle friction while her clitoris, which also has a hole in it, is positioned outside and above the vagina where it can feel every glorious little twitch from above and below.  Both – your glans and her clitoris – are surrounded by very sensitive membranes protected by your foreskins.  That’s the “sweet meat”.  

I had my DNA analyzed awhile back.  Mostly British Isles nucleotides on my double-helix with significant smatterings of the conquered and the conquering hordes that has swept through Western Europe over the millennia.  I, like all of us, am a mutt.  My DNA included a small Jewish component and when I told one of my Jewish acquaintances about it, he said, “Welcome to the tribe”.  I said, “I’m happy to be part of the tribe but you can’t have my foreskin”.  I love my foreskin.  

  Circumcision is not solely a Jewish practice, of course.  It is strongly engrained in our culture although, fortunately, it seems to be falling into some disfavor. WebMD says that about 2/3 of boys born in the USA are circumcised.  

Circumcision certainly has a strong tradition in my family.  I have cousins who are circumcised.  My son-in-law and (over my objections) my grandson are circumcised.  They called it “the little boy surgery”.  The reason I always heard was “cleanliness” or “so he will be like his daddy”.  Some medical people claim circumcision slightly reduces the risk of some cancers and of STD’s and that men like it because it reduces sensitivity and, therefore, delays ejaculation.  

First of all, reducing sensitivity by permanently removing a vital, fully-functioning part of your dick is not a good thing.  It certainly isn’t the way to prevent premature ejaculation.  The foreskin protects the most sensitive membranes on your body – the area adjacent to your glans.  When you penetrate your wife, the foreskin is pushed back exposing that nerve-enriched area to the warm, wet perfection of her luscious vagina.  Sensitivity is a good thing.  Sensitivity is the point.  The more the better.  And any slight perceived advantage to reduced sensitivity in your youth will be more than lost as you grow older and sensitivity naturally declines, anyway.  As you move into your 50’, 60’s and 70’s, you’ll appreciate all the sensitivity you can get.

   As for the proposition that removing the foreskin offers some protection against STD’s…if you’re fucking somebody who might have STD’s, you need to use a condom.  Or two.  Better still, you might want to to find somebody else to fuck.   

Women also have foreskins.  Theirs’ are nestled alongside the clitoris and adjacent sweet meat so they can fold over and protect it.  There are far too many cultures and religions around the world that still circumcise girls and believe, as many of us do about boys, it is a wonderful thing to do.  We rightfully condemn the practice because it is barbaric.  Its time to stop circumcising boys for the same reason.  The foreskin is there for a good reason.  Leave the little guy’s dick alone.  It’s perfect just like it is.     

Back to our bodies – both sexes have breasts.  Ours are smaller and less interesting.  Theirs give milk when milk is needed.  Ours don’t.  I am strongly attracted to G’s and she enjoys me touching them, but neither of us seem to get much out of it when she touches mine.  Probably a cultural thing.

We have testicles and they have ovaries.  Ours are hanging in a sac outside while their’s are nestled safely inside.  Ours provide half the DNA and their provide the other half.  

We both have lumps of fatty tissue to protect the pubic bones from overenthusiastic humping.  It is called the “mons”.  Every time your mons bumps hers, it produces a nice little tug on her clitoris.  If G is really into it, I can masturbate her to orgasm just by bumping her mons with the heel of my hand.  Or my forehead.  Or knee.  Surprise her.  Surprise yourself.

I love the mons.  I believe it is a major source of those mysterious pheromones we hear so much about.  I believe that because I love to stick my face in the bush over G’s mons and breath deeply.  There’s no odor but there is definitely something else – something that makes me want to breath it deeply.  

Give it a try.  Let me know if it works for you.    

The mouth is most definitely a sex organ and yours and hers are alike.  My wife and I have always enjoyed oral sex.  We began it almost immediately after we became sexually active.  We can’t recall the first time we tried it but it was certainly soon after we began dating and we have only gotten better at it.  At our ages, penetration is not the simple thing it once was.  I don’t get as hard and she doesn’t get as wet, so penetration means I have to take hard on pills and try to get enough lubricant in the correct place without getting it all over the bed and without poking her with some kind of cold applicator before all the drama and distraction have caused my hard-on to give up – in which case we have to start over again.   And, because lubricants tend to contain some kind of edible oil, her pussy tastes and smells like a salad.  

We tried it – the pills and a variety of lubricants and it wasn’t worth the frustration.  Or the mess.  We don’t need it.  We have taken oral sex to a whole other level than it used to be and it works perfectly for us.  I love it.  Always have.  The taste, the odor, the folds of her vulva, the way the slightest touch of my lips or my tongue on her sweet meat makes her breathing change, her muscles tighten, the rhythm of her movement change.  Very powerful stuff.

I have eaten pussy for 60 years – in sickness and health, before and after coitus, during pregnancy, periods, heavy flow, light flow, PMS, pre-menopause, menopause and post-menopause, cummy and uncummy.  Through sneezes, coughs and hiccups.  I have done it chewing nicotine gum while I was quitting smoking – which didn’t go well but, you know, shit happens.  It is the most intimate thing we do and we both love intimacy. 

There is one thing I don’t like about oral sex – the preparation.  I have to shave very close every day and, at my age with this old face, shaving close  – especially the area from my nose, around my mouth and my chin – is unpleasant.  I do everything I can to make it as painless as possible.  I buy every new razor that hits the market and give it a three-blade trial.  I shave in the shower with really good glycerine soap and take my time, but it is still painful.  If I could eat pussy the way it its meant to be eaten without going through that, I would.  But I can’t.  So I shave.

For the record, neither G nor I take hormones or any other sex enhancing drugs.  I do not take hard-on pills.  Neither of us has had any cosmetic surgery other than having suspicious-looking moles removed.  We believe we are who and what we are supposed to be and that belief works for us.  We know people who are fight the effects of aging but it doesn’t seem to work very well for them.  Its a fight no one can win.  It focuses on the least important part of who we are and requires too much pretense. Its much easier to just be us and try to be the best us’s we can. 

A healthy playful sexual component to a marriage has nothing to do with youth. Nor does it have anything to do with looks, money, religion, education, cosmetic surgery, drugs or battery-powered devices.  It requires only two people who respect each other and who love to fuck each other.  That’s it.  Not complicated but that’s where you want to be: two people who like to fuck each other and who care about each other.  Nothing wrong with youth or looks or money, battery powered devices or any of those things.  If you have them, by all means enjoy them but don’t let them become necessary. 

Back to the body!  Both G and I have ass holes in the same places serving the same function.  To a lot of people, the anus is a major sex organ.  I understand that, but G and I have tried it periodically over the last 60 years – “wanna give it another shot?” kind of thing – but either of us cared that much for it.  If you and your wife both enjoy it, go for it.  If you’re gay, by all means enjoy.  Some light, non invasive, stimulation of her anus with your finger, though, might be welcome.  

Just remember that nothing you stick in her ass or yours should be inserted into her vagina until the member is clean.  

Bush or no bush?  I love the bush.  G and I tried trimming and shaving.  It was fun for a little while but we’re used to the glorious, luxurious bush and I missed it.  Our choice.  If you and your wife enjoy the bald look, get pleasure from it, excitement, shave the bush off.          

We guys have prostate glands that produce all the semen except for the actual sperm – which is produced in the testicles and accounts for a tiny amount of the volume of an ejaculation.  Women have Skene’s glands which, according to research I’ve seen,  may or may not produce a fluid that may or may not be like seminal fluid that may or may not account for the fact that some women may or may not ejaculate.  This is 2019 and we don’t seem to know simple stuff like that.  Seems to me that we should.   

So, we have pretty much the same thingies and, if you do pretty much the same things to her thingies as she does to your corresponding thingies – or vice versa – you will have pretty much the same results.  Everything centers around her clitoris and the nerve-engorged membranes around it and your glans and the nerve-engorged membranes around it.  Your most intense stimulation comes from moving your foreskin back so that it tugs on the base of the glans.  Her whole vagina is designed to do the tugging from above (when your pubic bone pushes against hers)  and below (when your dick pulls a bit of membrane in with it going in and releases it on the out-stroke).  As far and G and I can tell by paying attention and comparing, the sensations are the same and, if the stimulation is maintained will produce the same results – we orgasm.  

By the way, the fact that her sensitive thingies are connected to her clit from the top and bottom, means you can do subtle things to it with your hands.  Learn to be good with your hands.  There’s plenty of things to do other than stick your finger in it.  Or your tongue.  You can move things around nicely by bumping her mons.  Cup her entire pussy in your hand and jiggle it.  Try stuff. 

Ask her for suggestions. Let her show you how she does it, then try to duplicate what she does.  It may take years to get as good at it as she is but she can find enough pleasure in having someone else pleasure her to make up for any lack of finesse on your part.  You can always spread that sweet thing open once in awhile and give it a lick.  Or, go all the way in up to your ear lobes and enjoy pussy-boogers in the morning.    

A word about your bedroom.  The experts say you should decorate restfully with somber colors and subdued lighting. Something like a funeral parlor.  G and I have decorated our’s more along the lines of PeeWee’s Playhouse.  We collect folk art – nothing really expensive but its fun and colorful and interesting.  We support local artists because their work brightens and lightens the house and their presence brightens and lightens our community.  I suggest that you do not need to decorate to promote sleep but, instead, to create a playful space that will make you want to fuck.  The fucking will help you sleep.  If you buy art, you both must like it.  

We have never had a TV in the bedroom but we definitely do have music.  We both enjoy a wide variety of music and laying all cuddled up in a candle-lit room is a great way to hear it.  I have a sound bar laying on the floor at the head of our bed that Bluetooths off my phone so we have music every night.   

We prefer candles to artificial light.  It gives the room a wash of warmth, its heat animates the mobile floating above it and its flicker gives movement to shadows.  We don’t use scented candles but you might enjoy them.  Try a few different ones.  The object is to get the room welcome and inviting to both of you – a really fun place to fuck.  Work on it.  Details are important.  

Something that needs to be said:  I always watch the other couples around us, hoping to see some positive interaction between them.  Do they touch each other?  Make eye contact?  Do they defer to each other?  Do they smile?  Do they have actual conversations in which they both take part?  Do they seem relaxed and comfortable together?  Do they speak well of each other when apart?  If they are in a group, do they maintain their awareness of each other?  

The sexual component of a relationship isn’t limited to the bedroom because it involves a lot more than physical intimacy.  Lovers always circle around each other.  They support each other.  They have private signals developed over years and use them to communicate all the time.  They don’t advertise it.  They don’t have to.  They practice intimacy at all kinds of levels and in all kinds of subtle, private, intimate ways that are part of the rich experience that being lovers is.  Look for them. You can tell.

A disclaimer:  The next few paragraphs are going to be about the friendships that you and your wife are involved in.  Before you read them, you need to understand that I am not a “people person”.

Its always great to get unused stuff out of the garage, your closets, your book shelves, kitchen cabinets, and the top drawer of your desk.  That’s pretty easy (except for the book shelves and the desk).  The hard part of uncluttering your life is getting rid of friendships that have outlasted their usefulness.  I understand that some friendships are healthy, strong, deep and wide.  They benefit everyone involved and deserve to be nurtured and preserved.  But, some aren’t.  Maybe most aren’t.  The ones that deserve to last are the ones that help everyone involved be better, happier people.  Those friendships adapt and change as the individuals grow.  They grow with us.  Some friendships, though, just become a habit or, worse, an obligation.  Maybe they were mutually beneficial at one time but, maybe, that time is past.  

G and I moved around a lot during the first 25 years of our marriage.  At each of the places we lived, we established close friendships and, invariably, when we moved away, we all promised to keep in touch and maintain the friendship.  All but two of those friendships evaporated very quickly.  The two that survived are still important.  The others served their purpose.  

We don’t enjoy breaking a friendship.  It can be an emotional violence and a huge guilt trip.  The way we cope with all that, now, is to be very selective of those we socialize regularly with and be very objective about new relationships as they begin.  G and I discuss potential new friendships very critically, and consciously decide whether we want to pursue them or not.  Most, we don’t.  Best to get it over with early.  

And, I should point out, when you and your wife can keep your relationship strong and vibrant, you will become friends in the truest sense of the word.  When that happens, you won’t need as many other people around.  

The prospect of ending friendships is serious and requires an honest conservation between you and your wife.  You both have to agree on whatever you decide.  If that decision is to end a friendship, you have to agree on how to do it.  And you have to agree that, once it has been done, there is no going back.  Tough thing to deal with.  Tougher thing to do well.  But, its your life you are living.  You have one shot at it and, the older you get the more you will need to rid yourselves of, not just emotional baggage, but of people and things that are holding you back or wasting your precious time.  

Another observation:  When we blame others for our problems we just give away all the power to solve them.  Trouble is, the ones we blame and expect to solve the problem probably are blaming us and waiting for us to come to our senses and fix it.  The US political system is a perfect example of that.  Everything is somebody else’s fault so nothing is anyone’s responsibility and nothing gets done.  

Don’t live your life like that.  It only makes you frustrated and angry and fucks up the world.  If your marriage isn’t all you would like it to be; if the sex in your marriage is getting boring, if your job is just a job – take responsibility and do something about it.  

And, please don’t tell anyone what you’re doing.  Just do it.  Seems to me that every time we tell others we are going to do something big and wonderful, the chances of actually doing that big, wonderful thing is reduced by about 50%.  Tell five or six people about it and it will be gone.  All you have to do to become a better husband and lover is to start being a better husband and lover.  That’s how you learn.  

Another small lesson learned here in my 70’s is simply that, someday, you two are going to really need each other.  There will be illnesses, surgeries, personal losses.  You will both become increasingly fragile and vulnerable and more dependent on each other.  You will become more afraid.  One of you will have to watch the other one die and figure out how to go on from there.  The relationship you have with your wife and she has with you will determine, in large measure, how happy you and she are in your old age.  Don’t take it for granted.  If you can move through life creating a common pool of good memories, getting old can be a rich and beautiful experience.  And a hell of a lot of fun!  

And, because I’ve been discussing getting old doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about sex.  I will simply say that there are not a lot of guys my age getting laid nearly as often or nearly as well as me.   

But, there probably are more than we think.  I have a neighbor, about my age, who told me several years ago, that his father was having  his “second blessing” which required that my neighbor go over to his parents house every day and physically place his father on top of his mother…then, return in an hour to help him back into his own bed.  True story.  I live in the South.  

Sensuality:  Probably every one of us would have different lists of the things that we enjoy feeling, smelling, or tasting but it doesn’t  really matter what those things are.  All that matters is that you teach yourself to be more aware of them – to notice them occasionally, value them and give them some priority in your life.  Sex is part of that, of course, but it isn’t nearly all of it.  Sensuous people feel the world.  Smell it.  Hear it.  See it.  

There are thousands of little things you can do to help fill your days with small pleasures – little things that cost nothing and no one around you will even notice.  Comfortable clothes.  Next car, get one with a little better performance.  Feel the wind on your face.  Notice how woods sound in winter versus how they sound in summer.  Everything.  That’s all there is to it.  No big deal.  Costs nothing.  Takes very little time and, with a little persistence and practice, you will find yourself doing it all the time.  It becomes the way you live.  

  Those small private pleasures lift our spirits and broaden our world.  They make us realize that we belong here and are a part of something magnificent and astoundingly beautiful.  These moments of awareness and appreciation become like little gifts that the universe give us when we least expect them.  And, I would swear that the more I appreciate those gifts, the more I get.  

Next time you have sex, take some time to really touch your wife.  Really touch her but softly and appreciatively.  Take your time.  Feel how all the curves flow into, out of and around each other.  Feel how heavy her breasts are.  Feel how the texture of her skin changes when you excite her.  Enjoy her perfume.  Smell her pussy.  When you kiss, feel her lips and tongue and teeth.  Explore them.  Enjoy them.  Enjoy her.  

There probably was a time when you would have loved to be able to touch a woman like that.  Well, its now.  

When she touches you, pay attention.  Get into it.  Slide your dick into her slowly.  Feel the warmth, pressure, and wetness increase as you penetrate.  Feel how she reacts.  You’ll feel it in her muscle tension, her breathing, her movement.  If she likes it, you’ll know it.  Stop.  Pause, then do it again.    Then, maybe, a few minutes later, when least expected, do it again.  She’ll know that you’re playing with her and she’ll love it.  And, she will join the game.  That’s what lovers do.   

When she sucks your dick, pay attention to the details of what she is doing.  Allow yourself to respond naturally.  Close your eyes and focus on the exquisite purity of what is happening.  Learn how to receive and experience pleasure with a sense of joy and you will want to learn how to give her that same experience.  

G and I scratch each others’ backs several nights a week.  It is a nice way to practice giving, getting and enjoying pleasure.  It its culturally acceptable to moan, groan, and otherwise respond to the pleasure of having your back scratched, so get loud.  Don’t turn it into a grab-ass thing, either.  Pay attention to your fingernails.  Locate and give priority to her chronically itchy spots.  The object is to learn how to give her maximum pleasure.   

Remember when you you and your buddies were around 11 – 12 years old and could just go outside and play for hours, making up games as you went along, changing the rules, doing one thing for awhile, then doing something entirely different?  You might be the de facto leader in one game and another buddy might be the leader of the second.  Didn’t matter.  It was fun.  The world went away and time stopped.  If you and your wife can learn to play adult games with each other that way in the bedroom, you will be lovers for life.  And, the best part is that, if you learn to do that in the bedroom, you will know how to do it in all the rooms of your life all the time.  

Thanks for reading this. Let me know how its going for you.

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