A couple of weeks ago, my wife and I were down in south Georgia having the time-honored free motel breakfast – toasted bagel with cream cheese, yogurt, a banana, decent coffee – and planning the best route home from the short road-trip we were on to visit friends in Florida when a youngish couple at the next table – the only other people in the breakfast area – started a conversation. Couples our age in the South are automatically designated “cute as a button”. It takes a bit of getting used to. Because we are old and cute as a button and were actually enjoying talking to each other, they asked how long we had been married. “56 years…we were high school sweethearts”. That’s our standard answer and, as is pretty common, the next question was, “Any advice for us?”
I always hesitate with that one because my wife and I know that one of the most important things we have ever done for our marriage has been to value and preserve the sexual component – to nurture it, protect it, cherish it. It has helped us survive things that have shattered other marriages. It has kept our lives, individually and collectively, fresh and interesting. It has added another level of experience to all the places we have been and all the things we have done. It has kept us enthusiastic about each other and ourselves. We believe it it has helped keep us physically and emotionally healthy from when it began in the back seat of my parents’ ’57 Ford parked in a drive-in movie on a warm fall evening in 1958 until now.
Even though we would all be much happier if we talked about sex openly and honestly, I hesitated because discussing sex with strangers, even in very general terms, can seem trivial/jokey/boastful/poor taste/disgusting or all of them. That’s especially true when you’re old and are not expected to be discussing sex, and certainly not in the present tense. Even so, they asked so I told them to value their sexuality, to protect it, to get better at it – to become life-long lovers in the best sense of that word. That’s information everyone needs to know.
They seemed to brighten at that so I threw in a few more gems of wisdom – I told them to always support each other with words and actions and never trivialize the relationship. I told them to never say hurtful things to or about each other, even in a joking way. I told them that a strong, healthy relationship will always be a comfort to them – a source of pride – especially as they get older. And I told them to never, ever forget how to play with each other.
Their response was interesting. They were delighted to hear something positive and hopeful. They visibly moved closer together and their eye contact with each other increased as we sat there talking. They hugged us when we got up to leave and the woman said, “You guys should hold a seminar or something”. Since we’re retired and have no interest in another job that requires schedules, being polite to people we don’t like, getting dressed up, dealing with those damned hotel duvets, and having actual responsibilities, we decided a blog would be the better choice.
The fact that I am not a professional writer means you might have to work a little as reader but, as long as I have something to say that you can actually use, we can get past that. This may be wordy and unstructured here at the beginning but, hopefully, your responses will quickly turn all this into a simple, useful dialog. If it works, we can all help each other figure out how to be happier people.
If you are involved in a stable, long-term relationship and are looking around the internet for some useful information about how to keep that relationship interesting and fun, maybe I can help. Because I believe that healthy, creative and joyful sex should be one of the cornerstones of that relationship, I will tend to focus on that. The goal is to help you and your wife become lovers in the best sense of that word – generous, loving, fun, and accomplished lovers. Give me a few minutes of your time. It will cost you nothing and might be what you are searching for. The next few pages should give you a good idea of what this is going to be about and whether it will be worth your time or not.
We’re going to talk about some things you know already about and some you probably don’t. We’ll get into things like premature ejaculation, sex during PMS, oral sex, how you can expect the aging process to impact your sexuality. Also birth control, intimacy, orgasms without ejaculating, orgasms with ejaculating, sleep-fucking, being romantic, the importance of attitude, how your sex organs and hers are almost identical and what that means. We’ll talk about the pleasure loop, sensuality, adapting your sexually to the different phases of your life, pussy-boogers, fuck-sneezes, fuck hiccups, place and setting, integrating your sexuality into every aspect of your life together, the positive mental and physical health effects of a regular and lavish exchange of body fluids, the fact that one of the perks of retirement is that you and she are going to have the house to yourselves all the time and can, finally, fuck like monkeys – and about other important things like being a good spouse and parent and a good person.
If you have browsed the internet using the word “sex” in your search, you know what’s mostly here – the same tired worn-out old failed cliches, boundless cynicism and astoundingly low expectations. Most of it seems to be aimed at glorifying those pathetic guys who have to scrounge around for condom-sex with women they don’t know and probably don’t want to know – sex-as-conquest, sex-as-ego, sex-as-anything but the creative, fun thing that it can be and should be. If you do it right.
I’m 77 years old and I’ve worked around a lot of those guys. I was a rock and roll disc jockey at a pretty big-deal radio station back in the 60’s and early 70’s. My wife and I met the Beatles and Hendrix, the Beach Boys, the Monkees, Buffalo Springfield – all the big rock and roll bands. Of course, I worked with a lot of younger guys who were perpetually trying to scrounge up a piece of ass. They would come in to the station on Monday mornings with all kinds of stories about the girl/woman they fucked or almost fucked on Saturday night. But the stories were always empty of any caring, generosity, sensuality, ecstasy, dignity, honor, honesty, humor, or joy. Worse, there was very little real physical pleasure from the sex – they were pretty much just using a pussy instead of their hand for jerking off. The pleasure was in winning the game.
It was pathetic because I knew, without question, that I – the older “married guy”, was getting a lot more and a lot better pussy than they were. And I didn’t have to wear a condom or pretend to be somebody I’m not. And, I didn’t leave a trail of damaged women and abandoned children behind me like so many of them have.
I just want you to know that this blog isn’t about going out and screwing lots of women because that shit’s not working for anybody – not for the guys, the women they have their brief becondomed excursions into what passes for sex with, for the children they rapidly tire of, or for the society that has to clean up their messes. If that’s what you’re looking for, my only advice is, it ain’t here.
The truth is that a lot – maybe even most – of those guys I worked with back in the 60’s and 70’s have wound up bitter old men who sit around dreary houses letting slick TV pundits, preachers and politicians give them all kinds of people and institutions to blame their fucked-up little lives on. Of course, it was always “the bitch’s fault” anyway.
I watched a Netflix comedy special a few evenings ago. Standup. A family man telling funny stories about his marriage – about how he and his wife don’t communicate, how the kids drive him nuts, how he ain’t getting any pussy because he can’t possibly understand the subtleties of men/women coexistence or how to get some power in the marriage and win the mind games. It was funny on the surface but, on another level, it was depressing as hell. It basically amounted to “how many flowers do I have to give her before she’ll let me fuck her?”
And, it seems to me that, if he really wants to get laid, he could at least shave. That might help. You may say, “Well, hell, it was just comedy and beards are in fashion right now”. But it isn’t just comedy – it is the culture reinforcing itself and lowering your expectations. And, unfortunately for fashion, you can’t eat pussy with that bristly shit on your face. Not if you do it right. If you try, she’s going to climb the headboard backwards. Besides, cynicism is usually cheap humor disguised as sophistication.
We are constantly bombarded with negative or, at the very least, trivialized images of our sexuality and, of course, the institution of marriage. Those images pour out of every digital orifice on earth. We have to stay aware of the barrage of low expectations and we have to argue with it in our own minds. If we don’t it will suck the life out of us. End of sermon.
Another subject: In case you’re worrying, this blog isn’t about religion and it will suggest no sexual activities that the average American couple would be uncomfortable with. If you made it through the paragraph before this one – the one with that touches on eating pussy – you’re going to be comfortable here.
Also, I write this as a legally married straight man so that is the language I will use. I will write it for men but, if you are not a man or not married or not straight, I don’t think it will make any difference in the usefulness of anything I have to say here. We are all much more alike than we are different. If the words I use don’t fit your legal or gender situation, feel free to substitute whatever works for you. The important thing is the committed, long-term relationship. Without that, you’re always starting back at the beginning which is, ironically, the most awkward and least rewarding part.
I have found these elder years to be my time of recalling and re-evaluating my life – a time of dealing with undelt-with shit, a time of emotional cleansing. Without the long-time-committed relationship, you are likely to find yourself spending what are some of the most important years of your life with a second or third wife who wasn’t there when you were young and strong, who doesn’t share those early dreams and who might even be resentful of them.
When G and I were sexually-active teenagers, I used to lay alone in my bed at night listening to the big 50,000 watt clear-channel radio stations – Cousin Brucie playing rock-and-roll on WABC, New York or John R playing deep blues on WLAC, Nashville or real jazz on WWL, New Orleans and dreaming of having her alone in a bed with plenty of time to explore and enjoy her body, her smile, her sense of humor, her fragrance, her intense sexuality. I dreamed of having her around me all the time, to watch her live, to just be with her. Well, those teenage dreams have all come true. They come true every night. I never take that for granted. That is one of the most beautiful gifts of the long-time-committed relationship.
The long-term stable relationship has worked extremely well for me so I am a believer. Besides, if it weren’t for her presence in my life, I would probably be somebody I didn’t like…and who definitely wasn’t getting laid by a beautiful woman who really knows how to do that.
When my wife (call her “G”) and I married in 1963, there was no useful information around about how to have good sex – and I needed some because, even though I was a hunk’a-hunk’a burning love in the back seat of a car for a few hours two or three nights a week through high school and college, having access to that wonderful creature every single night and all day Saturdays, Sundays and holidays was a whole different thing. I had the all-too-common struggle with premature ejaculation – something which, apparently, worried me more than it worried G – and, although our sex was wonderful, I wasn’t all that confident that I knew what I was doing. But it was more than that. I just felt that, overall, I was not as good in bed as I should be. Or could be. And wanted to be. For her and for me.
There was so much I didn’t know. I didn’t know there was any other way to approach sex than to stick it in and keep it moving but not enough to make me cum before she had her orgasm. Not very sophisticated but it was all I knew. We all pretty much have to start from scratch or, even worse, have to start with the accumulated adolescent attitudes, limited expectations and gross misinformation that we mostly pick up from the street. B and I did coitus, oral sex, and manual stimulation – all the usual stuff. We tried anal but didn’t especially care for it. Our sex was very very good but I began to notice that I was getting repetitious and predictable and I had no idea what to do about it.
It wasn’t until 1969 that “The Sensuous Woman” by Joan Garrity was published. G bought a copy and suggested that I read it too. I did and it helped me understand the female side of this sex thing a little better. Gave me a different perspective. A couple of years later, “The Sensuous Man” (same author) was published and it helped me to stop focusing so much on cuming and more on sensuality. That was refreshingly positive and it helped, too. Most of what I read, though, was trivial, cliche and useless. It all said pretty much the same things and seemed to be preparing me to accept the inevitable end of the honeymoon.
When I became what is known as “multiply-orgasmic” (a really disappointing term for the ability to have orgasms without ejaculating), I knew it was important but I had never heard or read anything that described what was happening with me, none of the guys I knew well enough to mention it to had ever heard of such a thing. G and I had just lucked into finding out how to do it (“fortuitously” is the correct word but “lucked into” is how I feel about it) without even really knowing what “it” was. I even wondered if something was wrong with me. Most of us guys are not aware we can have orgasms without cuming.
I needed to find out what the hell was going on. I read a lot of modern self-help material on sex and familiarized myself with the works of Freud, Kinsey, Masters and Johnson, Hite, and Janus and Janus. Interesting reading but I didn’t find much there that was of any practical use to me. It seems to me that the researchers made too many assumptions based on questionable old research and didn’t know how to ask the right questions.
I also read a few of the old mass-market books that were published in the first half of the 20th century. Fascinating reading. There were several of them published as part of the flurry of academic and popular interest in psychology that arose in the wake of Freud and Kinsey. These books were generally written by Doctors and marketed to young married couples. G and I found two of them hidden away and long forgotten in the closets of deceased relatives while helping cousins clean out their houses. What these jewels taught me, above all else, is where so much of the misinformation that still surrounds sex came from. A lot of that genre, especially that written by men (as most of it was) reflects the merger science and the cultural norms for the time and is incredibly sexist, racist and homophobic.
The first warm spell of Spring following my becoming multiply orgasmic, I rode my motorcycle over to the Duke Medical School to rummaged through their medical librarys for a couple of days. Luckily, I discovered some Journal articles that described, almost exactly, what I was experiencing. Through those papers, I got some researchers’ names, and found one modern book on the subject that I will recommend to you. It is entitled “Any Man Can – The Multiple Orgasmic Technique For Every Loving Man” by Hartman and Fithian. As I write this, there are a few used copies available from ABEBooks.com for under $15.00.
I bought the book after I had already become “multiply orgasmic” so I didn’t actually use it to learn how and, therefore, can’t say how effective it will be as a teaching tool for you. All I can say is that what the book describes is what I experience, although how G and I got there is quite different from their techniques. If you decide to buy it, let me know how it goes. I will, of course, have some suggestions of my own.
Mostly, the book told me that my new-found ability was perfectly normal – uncommon but not rare – and it was teachable. Meanwhile, G and I were getting very good at producing them. Lots of them. Like so many aspects of human sexuality, the more we do it the better we become. Part of that is because your partner get better at what she does but part of it is that you get better at recognizing the onset of the orgasm and controlling the inner physical and emotional processes you are experiencing as the orgasms begin and build to the final explosion. Even so, like ejaculatory orgasms, there is a point at which there is no turning back and you let go for that glorious, gasping ride. You just don’t cum.
The ability to have several orgasms – but delaying ejaculation until you and your wife are both ready for the evening’s grand finale – impacts every aspect of your sexual relationship, especially as you age. It really changes everything for the better for both of you It makes you and her completely sexually compatible. You’re going to like it. And so will she. I promise. We’ll get into all this soon.
I believe people involved in healthy relationships, including a lot of really good sex, will be happier people. They will be better people, husbands, wives, citizens. The will be physically and emotionally healthier. A word of warning, though – there are a lot of folks out there who believe that only stupid people are happy. They believe that anyone who is happy is either not awake enough or smart enough to see and understand the misery and pain in this world – that the happy idiots (like me) are blithely unaware of the evil and danger surrounding us. I, on the other hand, believe that focusing on the misery, evil and danger only makes us afraid, selfish and defensive and just creates more and more and more of it.
My only credentials for writing this blog is that I am an old guy who has managed to have a lifetime of extraordinary sex with a woman who enjoys it as much as I do. Maybe more. She’s amazing. I can tell you some of the things we learned along the way. I can tell you about how we have managed to keep everything fresh and new for 60 years. And about how we managed to successfully navigate a lifetime together and arrive at old-age proud of that life, still enjoying each others’ company and happy to still be living it. Its pretty simple, really, we liked to fuck 60 years ago and we still do. Nothing surprising about that. I am still a man and she is still a woman. It was fun then and it still is. You can call me “R”.
Another subject: Most movie sex has no real spark to it. It’s left brain stuff but, occasionally, there is a movie scene of young lovers having the kind of sex only young lovers can have – the kind G and I remember so well and so fondly. When we see one of those scenes, we always comment about how much fun that was. But, in all honesty, our sex is every bit as good and mysterious and playful and enthusiastic now as it was then. Its just different. It’s supposed to be different. Nothing that we are aware of in this entire infinite universe, from the universe, itself, to the smallest sub-atomic particle is like any other universe or sub-atomic particle or even like itself from one brief moment to the next. Change is a good thing.
The things that we had to leave behind as we have aged have been amply replaced with a level of intimacy that is indescribably beautiful. We swim around in it. We are lovers in the best sense of the word because her pleasure is my pleasure and mine is hers. We become one thing. One glorious intensely sexual thing with all the time in the world and the house to ourselves .
The journey from being those young lovers to now has taken us through a whole lifetime of constantly adapting to the changes that living requires of everyone. That’s part of the fun. We have enjoyed every age we have ever been. We have adapted the ways we expressed our sexuality to all of those ages. This one is no different.
Do you enjoy the age you are? If you do, you will probably know how to enjoy the next one. And the next and the next. If not, you may be getting stuck somewhere or sometime that you don’t belong anymore. You gotta watch out for that.
Another subject: This is a pet peeve of mine and deserves a rant: Do you and your wife bicker a lot and say nasty things about each other in public and then chuckle like its some kind of innocent little joke when everybody knows its not a joke at all and, even worse, that little chuckle requires that I chuckle along, too, which means I have become complicit in the nastiness. Stop it. Its cheap, easy, cliche bullshit. Predictable. Incredibly boring in a crude-rude kind of way. It ain’t funny and it’s embarrassing to those of us who have to listen to that shit all the goddamn time. Its not helping anything and, frankly, we’re getting tried of hearing it.
Don’t do that to yourselves. Or to us. And, for god’s sake, don’t do it to your children. If you don’t have children, please don’t neglect your birth control.
Creative fucking: I think there is ample evidence that your dick is connected directly to the right side of your brain. Sex is a right-brain activity – dreamy, soft-focused, altered sense of time, lightness and, above all, playful. This makes altered states of mind possible – things like ecstasy, intimacy, and what I call “the pleasure loop”. A word of warning, though – fucking is like backing a trailer or using chopsticks – its best not to think about it too much while you’re doing it. Getting overly aware of the process instead of the pleasure can cause “spectatoring” – your dick loses contact with the right side of your brain and refuses to play anymore. If that happens, just relax and enjoy the ride.
“Pleasure loop” is a made-up term to describe the fact that giving her pleasure intensifies your own pleasure which intensifies her pleasure which further intensifies yours which…etc. Its a feedback loop. With practice, you can both reach a state in which you seem to read each others minds and your pleasure and hers are this one extraordinary thing.
The more playful sex is, the better it is. But I don’t mean the kind when you compete – when there is a winner and a loser. How you and your wife play, sexually, should be no different from how you played with your friends when you were a child except that you now have a mature sexually-active woman as your buddy and you are both equipped, physically and emotionally, to just let go and fuck for fun.
There are no rules that say, “do this, then do that, then do another thing”. That’s left-brain shit. That’s not how kids play. They make it up as they go, they include what is happening around them, they laugh, they act out characters, they get dirty, they don’t have any agenda. It ain’t rocket science – they just play. “Oh”, you say, “it’s not that simple”.
To which I cleverly reply, “Sure it is”. You might have to unlearn a bunch of grown-up shit and get rid of some grown-up baggage first, but you can do that.
Please try to remember as we get deeper into this blog, I will describe things that happen to G and me as if they can happen to you and your wife. But I also realize that we are all bring our own attitudes, personalities and experiences into those moments and make them our own. This is not a text-book on becoming a lover. It is a story that you and she can adapt to your relationship. What happens to me in these situations may not happen to you but I believe that if you live your goal of being a really good lover, you will discover your own rewards along the way. Sometimes they are real surprises.
For example….ever hear anyone say that sex during PMS can be fabulous? Probably not. It sounds like the beginning of a joke that is going to end badly for some poor guy. But it isn’t. I have some experience with that. G went through a period of intense PMS when we were in our early 40’s. Big time. Me and the dog quickly adapted the same survival strategy – stay the hell out of her way and try not to make eye contact until it was over. Obviously, if I couldn’t make eye contact with her, there was not a chance in hell that I could fuck her. At least that’s how it was until we discovered that PMS sex was the some of the most intense sex we ever had.
Of course, I would never suggest you make a move on your wife when she is PMS’d-off at the world. You could be badly injured. You have to wait a day or two until you and she have finished your sex for the evening and are laying there in the candlelight chatting. That’s when you tell her about this PMS sex thing you read about . Ask her to commit to having sex next time she has PMS. As the time approaches, remind each other what’s going to happen. Have fun with it. Do a countdown. Enjoy it.
But you need to be ready because, when it happens, it happens hard, long and strong. All that PMS tension is going to explode – not as anger and frustration but, rather, as fast and furious fucking. If she is orgasmic, she’ll pop them off, one right after the other. It’s a wild ride. You’re both going to love it and look forward to it every month, right on schedule.
But there is another little perk involved. When her pussy grabs your dick and yanks it in (that’s what it can feel like), you might notice, for the first time, a sphincter muscle two or three inches inside her vagina. You’ll feel it – it will be tight around your dick. (Nice little bonus for you.) But, as she has orgasms, that little sphincter muscle will begin to relax – to get looser and looser with each one until it disappears. And, with it, so will her PMS.
At least, that’s what G and I found to be true. I’d like to know your experience with PMS sex. I suspect that these kinds of things happen to a lot of people but are never talked about. We should talk about the good stuff.
Another thing I’d like to know is whether you and your wife sleep-fuck. (Another made-up term) G and I used to regularly wake in the middle of the night all hard, wet, sweaty, tangled up in the bed covers, pawing at each other and overwhelmingly horny. We would both wake up just before penetration and, after a few powerful thrusts, accompanied by much groaning and gasping for breath, we would have simultaneous orgasms, roll over and immediately go back to sleep. I don’t know how or why it happened (there were no dreams involved) so I don’ have any secrets to share that might help you enjoy an occasional sleep-fuck but, again, I think it would be useful information. Let me know.
One more thing and I’ll quit for this installment. I suggest that you assume complete responsibility for birth control in your marriage. If you expect her to do it, she is either going to have to endure a fairly serious surgery or she is going to be taking hormones until menopause – hormones which can contribute to all kinds of very serious cardio-vascular problems. If you take the responsibility, though, you can provide complete, 100% protection with a simple, painless, reversible procedure in your doctors office. He or she makes a very small incision, under local anesthesia, and performs a minor procedure to the vas deferens that blocks or diverts your semen away from mixing with your ejaculate. I got mine around 1968 and its probably even easier, now.
Best thing I ever did. It causes absolutely no noticeable change in what you do in bed or on how what you do feels. None. And it allows your wife to be a natural woman – to enjoy her sexuality completely. And for you to enjoy it, too. She gets to have her regular periods and you get to have them with her. It creates a freer, more spontaneous sexuality. A little funkier. I rode my bicycle the day after my vasectomy.
In case you are wondering, neither G nor I have had any plastic surgery, hair transplants, or botox injections. We do not elevate our hormone levels and I do not take hard-on pills. We enjoy being old and we use and appreciate what we have. The only dirty pictures we look at are some we made of ourselves with a borrowed Polaroid camera back around 1967 or ’68. We enjoy those.
And some closing random observations: When someone tells you something is “common sense” they are making shit up to suit their beliefs. When someone says, “It’s human nature” they are trying to justify something that is not justifiable in a civil society. And never forget the world is full of those who believe cynicism, anger and bitterness are signs of intelligence and the only safe place to live is in darkness. Feel sorry for them but be careful of them.
Now, go spend some quality time your wife. Approach her as a lover or, even better, as someone who would like to be her lover. Take your time. Be generous. Appreciate her and the beautiful thing you can do together. Play! Have fun!